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Stretched Thin

Good Tuesday Morning, Readers!  

We found the newspaper clip from my first book signing.  I am begging you if you have read my book, please give me a review on Google, Amazon, or on the site where you purchased it.  Sales have been awful, so any help is much appreciated.  

This week I have been super sick, but I have recovered.  The doctor tested me for Coronavirus, Flu, Streptococcus, and other bacteria, but all the tests were negative.  I do believe the old fashioned cold has made a comeback!  Having autoimmune diseases makes the common cold a nightmare because of the fatigue.  I am already tired all the time, so this past week I was a zombie.  It has rained so much this week that I haven’t been able to get out and walk, which has been a bummer!  On the upside, I am alive, and the RNC kicked off yesterday!  

Last night I had the worst fight with my daughter.  It is so hard to live with your adult child while they are raising kids, but I do try to keep my mouth shut.  That is probably the most challenging task of my day.  When I see one of my children repeating a mistake I made, or my parents made, I get filled with fear for them and my grandchildren.  Before you know it, my mouth flies open, and we are in a verbal world war three.  Then they say something unthinkable, and I start crying and go to bed.  Why does it have to be this way?  I wish it weren’t, and I could control this part of me better.  I don’t mean to make her feel bad or cause her any stress.  

Recently I have had a problem with the lack of boundaries.  The kids know dad, and I struggle daily with disabilities, and we give them all the energy we can muster!  I love my family so much, but I wish they could understand that we have seven children, and we do the best we can.  

The only reason we can do the babysitting while our daughter is at work and school is that we live with her, so we are right here when she needs us to watch the kids.  It might be easy for young folks to care for a newborn and a three-year-old, but by 5:00 pm I am out of spoons!  I have Multiple Sclerosis, so each day, I have so many spoons of energy, and when I run out, I am done for the day.  (Many people with chronic illness call themselves #spoonies)   If I get upset, she laches out verbally, reminding me that she pays all the bills so naturally, I snap back that I will just move out.  I have no job, money, vehicle, or place to go, so for now, I have to stay here and do the best I can.  It is tough to be 42 years old and have to depend on your child.  However, she also depends on us, so I thought it was a mutual situation.  She reminds me daily that she doesn't need us here, so I feel like I am not doing enough, but at the same time, I don't know what more I can do.  

Depression creeps in during times like this because I love my grandchildren so much, and I wish I could watch all of them every day.  The reality of my disabilities is that I just can't.  I have to have routines and pace myself.  If I don't have downtime I tucker out much faster.  I have fallen into these situations many times over the years because my heart is so big.  In relationships with spouses, my dad, and friends, and I don't understand why people want to push you until you break.  

If you have any advice on this subject, I am all ears.  

Much Love,

Tina



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We have to stop meeting like this....

Tonight I talked to myself.  I said,” self, why do you feel the way you do?”  Then I said,” self, we have to stop meeting like this because it's one o'clock in the morning”!  I laughed because regardless of the predicament I find myself in, sometimes I don't understand why I do the things I do. Have you ever had a random thought and wondered, “why did I think about that?.  I try to ignore my random thoughts and feelings, but sometimes they just come out when I least expect it. Example 1 ~ When I forget to take my medication, I feel everything.  The depression, sadness, and pain flood in, and all I can do is cry myself to sleep. Example 2 ~ I was watching season three of Anne with an E tonight, and it hit me.  I was crying and feeling very sad.  I should be happy because it was a beautiful ending. However, my mind was thinking about how they loved each other in their youth and found each other again. Right now, in my life, love songs and anything sappy makes me cry.

Beauty in the chaos

Early voting started Friday, so I went to town and voted in the States Primary.  It was a peaceful drive, and then Friday night, we watched the movie 2012. There are so many theories and conspiracies floating around online that the movie made me think about all of them. My thoughts quickly turn to religion and how none of us know when our lives will end. Humanity has gotten it wrong, so many times, and religious leaders continue to attempt to guess, but even the Bible says no one knows. One thing that I know for sure is the earth is a breathtaking place, and I continue to find small glimpses of its beauty amidst the chaos.  Just yesterday, we went to Fall Creek Falls State Park, and I took a dip in the cold water. Families and children were everywhere, laughing and playing.  You would never think that the USA is in an uproar. I saw no signs of social distancing or a pandemic.  I didn't see any mask.  Men were walking their dogs, and the beautiful smells of wood burning flo

My Reality

TennCare called today and requested a new PAE, and it got me to thinking about my daily needs. On social media, I tend to be very positive and encouraging or funny because I know how depressing being disabled can be, especially during the quarantine. I wonder if people see my social media and get the wrong impression of my reality?  Do they know that I published my autobiography and assume that I make money from book sales?  Do they see the videos I post, and assume that I don’t need help with everyday life? The cold hard truth is I need help every day with everything I do! I have grown used to people assuming things because I am capable of putting on a smile at a moment's notice.  As a trauma survivor, the ability to put on a fake smile becomes apart of your personality.  As a mother who had to fight to keep her daughter, I learned to shut my mouth and obey the system. I want to use this blog to make it clear that I need help with the necessary daily tasks.  I forget to ea