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Hallows' Eve


It has been two weeks since I wrote, and my life has changed so much.  On October 20, 2020, I moved in with my high school sweetheart and his mom.  They live in a camper on the White/Dekalb County line.  The insurance company paid off my camper and gave me $1,900.00, so I bought Alexandria’s extra car and moved all my possessions to a climate-controlled storage.  It was time for me to go out in the world on my own because being in that bedroom alone brought about depression and, ultimately, suicidal thoughts.  Moving out and being around laughter has helped me so much.  My living conditions are not ideal for disabled persons but overall, my mental health is 100% better.  Alexandria picked me up on October 26, 2020, and I got to spend some time with the boys while she went to the doctor.  Austin is still in coronavirus quarantine, but he is doing much better.  Ashley called me a whore and blocked me on everything.  I really never know how to respond to Ashley when she says such horrible things.  Lately, I give it to God and move forward.  Moving forward is all I can do right now because it is keeping me alive.  Michael and his mom are so kind to me.  We might not have much when it comes to material possessions, but we have big hearts and lots of love.  

Brittany brought me a lock the other night for the storage building and told me her door was open if we needed a place to stay.  My sister Janna also offered me a place to live, but right now I need a quiet place.  Janna and even my ex husband’s new brother-in-law came to help me move into the storage building.  I am not yet ready to go through everything but I will soon.  This has all been a process so I have been easy with myself.  “One Day at a Time” is my new motto.  

Well I am going to go cuddle up with my Gilmore Girls.  It is freezing here today but I prefer it because HS doesn’t hit me so hard.  

Much Love,

Tina 


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We have to stop meeting like this....

Tonight I talked to myself.  I said,” self, why do you feel the way you do?”  Then I said,” self, we have to stop meeting like this because it's one o'clock in the morning”!  I laughed because regardless of the predicament I find myself in, sometimes I don't understand why I do the things I do. Have you ever had a random thought and wondered, “why did I think about that?.  I try to ignore my random thoughts and feelings, but sometimes they just come out when I least expect it. Example 1 ~ When I forget to take my medication, I feel everything.  The depression, sadness, and pain flood in, and all I can do is cry myself to sleep. Example 2 ~ I was watching season three of Anne with an E tonight, and it hit me.  I was crying and feeling very sad.  I should be happy because it was a beautiful ending. However, my mind was thinking about how they loved each other in their youth and found each other again. Right now, in my life, love songs and anything sappy makes me cry.

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Beauty in the chaos

Early voting started Friday, so I went to town and voted in the States Primary.  It was a peaceful drive, and then Friday night, we watched the movie 2012. There are so many theories and conspiracies floating around online that the movie made me think about all of them. My thoughts quickly turn to religion and how none of us know when our lives will end. Humanity has gotten it wrong, so many times, and religious leaders continue to attempt to guess, but even the Bible says no one knows. One thing that I know for sure is the earth is a breathtaking place, and I continue to find small glimpses of its beauty amidst the chaos.  Just yesterday, we went to Fall Creek Falls State Park, and I took a dip in the cold water. Families and children were everywhere, laughing and playing.  You would never think that the USA is in an uproar. I saw no signs of social distancing or a pandemic.  I didn't see any mask.  Men were walking their dogs, and the beautiful smells of wood burning flo