First, I want to congratulate my baby sister, who moved into her first new home with her husband and children today! It was fantastic to get some good news, especially in our family!
2020 has been a challenging year for everybody, so it’s tough for me to be excited about the new year. I miss David more and more each day. The news is grim, so I try to avoid it. Most days, I escape into a YouTube video or one of my little games on my phone.
On Christmas Eve, I fell on the ice at my sister's house, and I broke my wrist and a few ribs. The hospital put a temporary cast on it, and yesterday I got to see the orthopedic doctor. He said I was fortunate because I broke my radius, but it was a clean break, and it was flush, so it’s growing back together correctly. I was just happy that I don’t have to have surgery!
Over the past week, I’ve made peace with many people and given a lot of forgiveness, but I still haven’t talked to my father. I just don’t know if that relationship will ever heal or if it should. Sometimes there are not enough apologies in the world to heal the hurt caused by a parent, especially when they want you to hide the truth!
I feel God carrying me along, and I have reluctantly embraced my solitude. I still haven’t spoken to Ashley, and she didn’t even call me on my birthday. Brian Pirtle made good on his threats to cause contention in our relationship when Ashley became an adult. He still blames me for his bad decisions. Little does he know that I do not care about what he says or what he does. I never left my children, and someday Ashley will see the truth. Despite all of my health problems, I worked, and I cared for my kids! He can never take away the love I have for my children or the sacrifices I made for them!
Scott is a whole different story, but I’m going to save that for the next book. He has been a horrible friend. I have always been there for him, but I can never expect the same in return.
I try not to think about the past too much because it gets me into a deep depression. I want to look forward, and I think that’s all you can do when you’re grieving. I don’t have anybody holding me while I cry, so it’s just God and me, and let me tell you, it gets pretty raw sometimes.
I want to shout out to Teresa Sartin, Stephanie Booker, Jason Young, and Michael Kilgore. They have been there for me 100%, and I have many friends on social media that check on me periodically. However, Lauren and Austin are my only visitors, but they are my favorite :)
Recently I looked at myself in the mirror, and I took inventory. I have a lot of resentment toward people who have hurt me, but I also have a lot of love. There are many things I don’t understand about this world, and one of them is child abuse. I don’t know how people think it’s OK to hurt you and just walk away. I have such a conscience that I can not hurt somebody and not apologize. However, many in this world lack a conscience, and they walk through this world terrorizing those of us who want to be kind.
I am happy with my choices because I can help my youngest daughter and enjoy my grandchildren in peace. This is my first holiday completely alone. Pickle had to work and the boys are with their dads.
I love you all, and I pray we all have a wonderful new year!