Sitting in my Chair

I used to believe that I had to be in a relationship and have that status of belonging to someone.  That analogy took me to some dark places over the last two years.  I didn't think I mattered without a “grandpa”.  There was a time when one of my grandchildren even asked me if I had found a “new grandpa”.  David left some big shoes to fill but let us face it....no one could ever fill his shoes!  He was irreplaceable!  He left his legacy in the children we raised and every time I see one of the grandchildren I see his spirit.  So where does that leave me?  I can't replace David or fill this dark hole.  Now I have to face that he is never coming back. It took me two years and a good friend to face my reality and now maybe the healing can begin. Every step I take alone hurts like hell, but I now have two years of experience under my belt!  Always remember none of us grieve the same so be easy with yourself. Much Love Tina Louise

Richard read my blog today and said I didn't seem to have my priorities straight.  He said I wasn't alone because I have an abundance of family and friends.  That is partly true, but I have to say that in two years I can count on my hand the number of families who have come to visit.  Teresa is the only friend to make the trip and honestly, it has shown me who my friends are in this world.  I spent 30+ years running the roads for my friends.  My son and youngest daughter are the only ones to visit me from my family.  I hear all the excuses about gas prices and how they work and I don't, but I worked for years!  I wore out vehicles helping folks, so what is one visit to Wartburg?  Anyway, I am not upset because I have grown to enjoy my solitude.  The loneliness I speak about comes when you roll over to touch someone in the middle of the night and it is void! I am craving the affection and love of a God-fearing, strong, man.  Is that wron...

I must tell you that I never thought I would be content alone.  I was convinced I needed a man to survive.  In 2020, my love of 22 years passed away and my life was a total mess.  I was in panic mode because I didn't think I could survive on my own.  I have been on my own for two years and now I have a stable life.  My health is still a yo-yo but for the most part, it is manageable.   I will admit I stay depressed and lonely.  I no longer get the Good Morning text and the sweet text goodnight.  I stopped dating after Jeffrey passed away then I met Richard.  I fell in love with him but that didn’t work out.  Richard lives too far away and we both have family obligations.   Right now I am brokenhearted so the days of the family gossip about who I am dating are OVER!  I gave it all I had and most single men just don’t have their shit together enough to have a relationship!  I spent all this time growing and changing my life t...