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The Widows of Rona

Being alone gives your mind so much time to wonder.  Today was hard because I met David 23 years ago today.  

On Facebook, I wrote this “ Life is so short.  Other than a few close family and friends, life seems so meaningless to me now.  I find myself turning to tell him something, and he isn’t there.  I even went to text him a picture of Jackson being cute, and it hit me.  I often ask myself, “what now?”.  My person is gone.  That is the ugly side of grief that hurts the most.  It is instant loneliness.  It is as though the writer abruptly ended the book without finishing the story.  In one single second, my entire life changed forever.  Don’t take your loved ones for granted.  You never know what tomorrow may bring!”

If you have been following my story, then you know 2020 was the worst year of my life.  2019 was the runner up!  It is 2:06 in the morning, and I don’t know what to do with myself anymore.  I want to love someone and to be loved because I am lonely.  I know how to be a daughter, sister, wife, momma, auntie, and grandma, but I don’t know how to be single.  God has shown me that there is a reason you have Ex’s, so I am not going into the past to fill this emptiness.  So I reckon it is time to move forward.  I understand the storms of my life much better now except for this one.  I will never say life could be worse anymore because this is my worst! 

I continue to read books on grief, but mine and Dave’s story is so unique.  We were divorced when he passed away, so I can't call myself a widow.  My daughter says I can and his obituary says I was his wife, but his death certificate list me as his fiancĂ©. We had been married and divorced twice, and we're going to get married a third time on my birthday.  Well, I have rambled on enough for tonight.  

Love you all




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We have to stop meeting like this....

Tonight I talked to myself.  I said,” self, why do you feel the way you do?”  Then I said,” self, we have to stop meeting like this because it's one o'clock in the morning”!  I laughed because regardless of the predicament I find myself in, sometimes I don't understand why I do the things I do. Have you ever had a random thought and wondered, “why did I think about that?.  I try to ignore my random thoughts and feelings, but sometimes they just come out when I least expect it. Example 1 ~ When I forget to take my medication, I feel everything.  The depression, sadness, and pain flood in, and all I can do is cry myself to sleep. Example 2 ~ I was watching season three of Anne with an E tonight, and it hit me.  I was crying and feeling very sad.  I should be happy because it was a beautiful ending. However, my mind was thinking about how they loved each other in their youth and found each other again. Right now, in my life, love songs and anything sappy makes me cry.

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Beauty in the chaos

Early voting started Friday, so I went to town and voted in the States Primary.  It was a peaceful drive, and then Friday night, we watched the movie 2012. There are so many theories and conspiracies floating around online that the movie made me think about all of them. My thoughts quickly turn to religion and how none of us know when our lives will end. Humanity has gotten it wrong, so many times, and religious leaders continue to attempt to guess, but even the Bible says no one knows. One thing that I know for sure is the earth is a breathtaking place, and I continue to find small glimpses of its beauty amidst the chaos.  Just yesterday, we went to Fall Creek Falls State Park, and I took a dip in the cold water. Families and children were everywhere, laughing and playing.  You would never think that the USA is in an uproar. I saw no signs of social distancing or a pandemic.  I didn't see any mask.  Men were walking their dogs, and the beautiful smells of wood burning flo