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Wanting to Die

I don’t understand what’s going on with my daughters or why I can’t see my grandchildren.  For the last two years, I have been so lonely.  Losing David sent me into a very dark place, but what happened afterward lead me to this very moment.  

Have you ever grieved someone who is that still alive?  Every day I grieve my daughters, and my their children.  They are alive and well, but they have no time for me.  My son works so much that’s it’s been a year since he came to visit.  I can’t drive long distances anymore so I can’t drive to them, plus gas is ridiculous.

It’s just me and Hannah all alone.  I have tried to find love, and I’ve given several men the opportunity to have a relationship with me.  However, I think I must be unlovable.  It seems most men just want is sex.  Jeffrey was the exception but he also passed away.  I’ve actually lost two boyfriends, one to Covid and one to a heart attack.  I feel like a being punished, and I don’t know what I did.  

I have done everything not to be a burden to my family.  I don't know what else to do with myself.  I can't work anymore so I feel useless.  I don't tell you all this to get pity.  Please don't feel sorry for me.  I am blessed with everything I need and a beautiful family.  

I feel like I died when David died.  I feel like I lost everything I had worked for when my dad filed bankruptcy on the music stores.  Maybe God is preparing me for something.  All I know is right now I am in great pain emotionally and I just don't want to be alive anymore.  No I won't kill myself because Hannah needs me, but I do wish God would have taken me instead of David.  The kids loved him and I know he would have done a much better job of keeping it together.

Much Love 

Tina Louise


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