Sitting in my Chair

So yesterday morning, Amerigroup calls and my Choices was reinstated.  I was blown away until my new care coordinator called and said TennCare decided not to unenroll anyone during the COVID pandemic.  I said, so once the virus is over, I will have to go through this again?  He said probably so I said NO THANK YOU! My sister already has a job that she starts in a few weeks, and I have already begun to do everything for myself other than driving.  I might be slow and eat a ton of watermelon, but I am just fine!  I honestly think the insurance is afraid of a lawsuit because they discriminated against me when they set requirements that I could never meet for their program. My life is good and peaceful.  I have enough to worry about taking care of my health problems.  On good days I do all I can to be a mom, grandma, and friend.  The whole court battle put stress on me that I did not need. I won't go through that again! The doctors have told me ...

Since I was a teenager, I have been educated to the ins and outs of child custody and divorce.  I am 42 years old, and I have four divorces under my belt.  However, today I felt deep sadness when my baby girl handed me her final divorce papers.  I never wanted my children to experience divorce!  They had been through enough of it growing up.  Not only do I feel like a failure as a wife, but also as a mom.  I feel like I didn’t equip them with the tools they needed to find a faithful spouse or the tools they would need to weather the storms.  I know it isn’t my fault, but the guilt still creeps in when these things happen to your children. My mother, sister, and I talked about how we felt tremendous failure during and after our divorces.  I do pray my daughter doesn’t feel like a failure because she tried many times to make it work.  Sometimes it is the only way out of a toxic situation.  My son filed his last week, so it is a double...

Early voting started Friday, so I went to town and voted in the States Primary.  It was a peaceful drive, and then Friday night, we watched the movie 2012. There are so many theories and conspiracies floating around online that the movie made me think about all of them. My thoughts quickly turn to religion and how none of us know when our lives will end. Humanity has gotten it wrong, so many times, and religious leaders continue to attempt to guess, but even the Bible says no one knows. One thing that I know for sure is the earth is a breathtaking place, and I continue to find small glimpses of its beauty amidst the chaos.  Just yesterday, we went to Fall Creek Falls State Park, and I took a dip in the cold water. Families and children were everywhere, laughing and playing.  You would never think that the USA is in an uproar. I saw no signs of social distancing or a pandemic.  I didn't see any mask.  Men were walking their dogs, and the beautiful smells...

Yesterday was a relaxing day at home.  Today was bittersweet because it was my sister’s last day as my caregiver.  She brought baby tigger for a visit, and when Alexandria finishes school, I will be able to have cats again.  For now, I am living with her and being her live-in nanny.  She is working and going to school.  I am content with my current life choices, but I miss having a cat!!!!! I don’t know how to explain it, but I sat out on the porch in the sun today, and I felt free.  Free of the past.  Free of the worry and stress from closing the music stores.  I am no longer financially responsible for anyone but myself.  I am free from the religious cult.  Free from my dad’s abuse and free from the guilt laid upon me by Ashley for being disabled. Now I simply responsible for me, and I am good enough for myself.  I feel I have time in my life now for myself, which is not something I am used to having.  I have been working...

Meh...That sums up most people’s view of the current world events.  I can’t say that I blame them because the news and social media are a regurgitation of the same thing every day except they add to the virus numbers. On July 8, 2020, I volunteered at the Republican Headquarters, which was a fantastic experience!  Then July 10, 2020, I had surgery to remove some painful lipomas from my abdominal area.  I am healing up good, but I popped a stitch last night.  Grandpa came to my rescue and helped me to get the bleeding to stop, and Alexandria put new steri-strips on wounds when she got home. My depression continues to deepen because Ashley refuses to let me visit with my grandchild.  It has been seven months since I saw Ellie or Elijah.  I love being a grandma more than life itself, so this is possibly the cruelest thing she has ever done to me. My sisters (aka my caregivers) last day is Wednesday.  Thank you, TennCare, for determining that I need ...

Time seems to fly by these days.  Over the last ten days, my life has been consumed with grandchildren, diapers, major fatigue, and leg cramps.  June 26th & 27th, I went up to Renegade Mountain to take photos then Janna took pictures of me on the railroad tracks.  Monday I had my telephone appointment with my counselor, Wednesday I went to my monthly appointment in Jamestown to see Dr. Clark, but we came straight back home.  Friday, I went to Cookeville to visit my cat and son.  Austin's hand is healing up nicely. Yesterday I managed to go outside while my mom visited and I rode to town to watch the firework, but I still haven't left my bed much.  The heat is my enemy, and I can't wait for Fall.  I can melt ice packs in an hour if I am sitting in the sun or riding in the truck because the truck doesn't have AC. I have two projects that need finished...my fans t-shirt and my second manuscript.  I have time, but someone seems to need me anytim...