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Bittersweet

Yesterday was a relaxing day at home.  Today was bittersweet because it was my sister’s last day as my caregiver.  She brought baby tigger for a visit, and when Alexandria finishes school, I will be able to have cats again.  For now, I am living with her and being her live-in nanny.  She is working and going to school.  I am content with my current life choices, but I miss having a cat!!!!!

I don’t know how to explain it, but I sat out on the porch in the sun today, and I felt free.  Free of the past.  Free of the worry and stress from closing the music stores.  I am no longer financially responsible for anyone but myself.  I am free from the religious cult.  Free from my dad’s abuse and free from the guilt laid upon me by Ashley for being disabled.

Now I simply responsible for me, and I am good enough for myself.  I feel I have time in my life now for myself, which is not something I am used to having.  I have been working and raising kids all of my adult life.  Today I found myself speaking softer and feeling at peace.

If you have read my book and keep up with my life, then I am sure you want to know what happened after I left the mountain.  I am working on a 12 chapter book that will tell my story, January through December 2019.

Of course the world events are on my mind, but when I turn the lights out, and fall asleep to Gilmore Girls the world as I know it melts away.  I am walking the streets of Stars Hallow asking Rory about her baby.  In times like these I know it is a struggle to get from one day to the next, but I can promise you it is worth it!  You will feel a million hugs, and laughs if you simply hang on and trust God to guide you through the storms.

Love~Laughter~Truth

Tina

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We have to stop meeting like this....

Tonight I talked to myself.  I said,” self, why do you feel the way you do?”  Then I said,” self, we have to stop meeting like this because it's one o'clock in the morning”!  I laughed because regardless of the predicament I find myself in, sometimes I don't understand why I do the things I do. Have you ever had a random thought and wondered, “why did I think about that?.  I try to ignore my random thoughts and feelings, but sometimes they just come out when I least expect it. Example 1 ~ When I forget to take my medication, I feel everything.  The depression, sadness, and pain flood in, and all I can do is cry myself to sleep. Example 2 ~ I was watching season three of Anne with an E tonight, and it hit me.  I was crying and feeling very sad.  I should be happy because it was a beautiful ending. However, my mind was thinking about how they loved each other in their youth and found each other again. Right now, in my life, love songs and anything sappy makes me cry.

Beauty in the chaos

Early voting started Friday, so I went to town and voted in the States Primary.  It was a peaceful drive, and then Friday night, we watched the movie 2012. There are so many theories and conspiracies floating around online that the movie made me think about all of them. My thoughts quickly turn to religion and how none of us know when our lives will end. Humanity has gotten it wrong, so many times, and religious leaders continue to attempt to guess, but even the Bible says no one knows. One thing that I know for sure is the earth is a breathtaking place, and I continue to find small glimpses of its beauty amidst the chaos.  Just yesterday, we went to Fall Creek Falls State Park, and I took a dip in the cold water. Families and children were everywhere, laughing and playing.  You would never think that the USA is in an uproar. I saw no signs of social distancing or a pandemic.  I didn't see any mask.  Men were walking their dogs, and the beautiful smells of wood burning flo

My Reality

TennCare called today and requested a new PAE, and it got me to thinking about my daily needs. On social media, I tend to be very positive and encouraging or funny because I know how depressing being disabled can be, especially during the quarantine. I wonder if people see my social media and get the wrong impression of my reality?  Do they know that I published my autobiography and assume that I make money from book sales?  Do they see the videos I post, and assume that I don’t need help with everyday life? The cold hard truth is I need help every day with everything I do! I have grown used to people assuming things because I am capable of putting on a smile at a moment's notice.  As a trauma survivor, the ability to put on a fake smile becomes apart of your personality.  As a mother who had to fight to keep her daughter, I learned to shut my mouth and obey the system. I want to use this blog to make it clear that I need help with the necessary daily tasks.  I forget to ea