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July 4th

Time seems to fly by these days.  Over the last ten days, my life has been consumed with grandchildren, diapers, major fatigue, and leg cramps.  June 26th & 27th, I went up to Renegade Mountain to take photos then Janna took pictures of me on the railroad tracks.  Monday I had my telephone appointment with my counselor, Wednesday I went to my monthly appointment in Jamestown to see Dr. Clark, but we came straight back home.  Friday, I went to Cookeville to visit my cat and son.  Austin's hand is healing up nicely. Yesterday I managed to go outside while my mom visited and I rode to town to watch the firework, but I still haven't left my bed much.  The heat is my enemy, and I can't wait for Fall.  I can melt ice packs in an hour if I am sitting in the sun or riding in the truck because the truck doesn't have AC.

I have two projects that need finished...my fans t-shirt and my second manuscript.  I have time, but someone seems to need me anytime I feel like writing.  The news has me depressed too.  People are getting murdered in all the big cities at an alarming rate.  The hostility has spread like wildfire.  I have noticed the closer we get to the election, the worse things get.

Due to the violence and COVID-19, I have lost all desire to leave the house or travel.  Alexandria went back to work, so I have the boys 4-5 days a week, and soon Janna will not be coming to assist me with my daily chores.  I will be going cold turkey doing everything for myself again.  I won't lie; I am terrified that I will become a hermit.   It takes so much energy to do simple tasks.  TennCare doesn't seem to understand my predicament.  I got the letter last week stating that the court denied my appeal—no more Healthcare for me.  I was majorly worried, but now I see it as God’s plan.  I am blessed with everything I ever wanted and a beautiful family.  Other than my health, I don't have to worry about much these days.  I no longer have big dreams.  The older I get, the less and less material possessions matter to me.

I got to see pictures of Elijah and Ellie yesterday because Alexandria when to a cookout, and her sister was there with the kids.  It brought tears of joy to see their beautiful faces.  I love them so much.  Well, it is 12:03 AM now, so I am going to try to get some sleep.

Love, Laughter, Truth

Tina

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We have to stop meeting like this....

Tonight I talked to myself.  I said,” self, why do you feel the way you do?”  Then I said,” self, we have to stop meeting like this because it's one o'clock in the morning”!  I laughed because regardless of the predicament I find myself in, sometimes I don't understand why I do the things I do. Have you ever had a random thought and wondered, “why did I think about that?.  I try to ignore my random thoughts and feelings, but sometimes they just come out when I least expect it. Example 1 ~ When I forget to take my medication, I feel everything.  The depression, sadness, and pain flood in, and all I can do is cry myself to sleep. Example 2 ~ I was watching season three of Anne with an E tonight, and it hit me.  I was crying and feeling very sad.  I should be happy because it was a beautiful ending. However, my mind was thinking about how they loved each other in their youth and found each other again. Right now, in my life, love songs and anything sappy makes me cry.

Beauty in the chaos

Early voting started Friday, so I went to town and voted in the States Primary.  It was a peaceful drive, and then Friday night, we watched the movie 2012. There are so many theories and conspiracies floating around online that the movie made me think about all of them. My thoughts quickly turn to religion and how none of us know when our lives will end. Humanity has gotten it wrong, so many times, and religious leaders continue to attempt to guess, but even the Bible says no one knows. One thing that I know for sure is the earth is a breathtaking place, and I continue to find small glimpses of its beauty amidst the chaos.  Just yesterday, we went to Fall Creek Falls State Park, and I took a dip in the cold water. Families and children were everywhere, laughing and playing.  You would never think that the USA is in an uproar. I saw no signs of social distancing or a pandemic.  I didn't see any mask.  Men were walking their dogs, and the beautiful smells of wood burning flo

My Reality

TennCare called today and requested a new PAE, and it got me to thinking about my daily needs. On social media, I tend to be very positive and encouraging or funny because I know how depressing being disabled can be, especially during the quarantine. I wonder if people see my social media and get the wrong impression of my reality?  Do they know that I published my autobiography and assume that I make money from book sales?  Do they see the videos I post, and assume that I don’t need help with everyday life? The cold hard truth is I need help every day with everything I do! I have grown used to people assuming things because I am capable of putting on a smile at a moment's notice.  As a trauma survivor, the ability to put on a fake smile becomes apart of your personality.  As a mother who had to fight to keep her daughter, I learned to shut my mouth and obey the system. I want to use this blog to make it clear that I need help with the necessary daily tasks.  I forget to ea