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Meh

Meh...That sums up most people’s view of the current world events.  I can’t say that I blame them because the news and social media are a regurgitation of the same thing every day except they add to the virus numbers.

On July 8, 2020, I volunteered at the Republican Headquarters, which was a fantastic experience!  Then July 10, 2020, I had surgery to remove some painful lipomas from my abdominal area.  I am healing up good, but I popped a stitch last night.  Grandpa came to my rescue and helped me to get the bleeding to stop, and Alexandria put new steri-strips on wounds when she got home.

My depression continues to deepen because Ashley refuses to let me visit with my grandchild.  It has been seven months since I saw Ellie or Elijah.  I love being a grandma more than life itself, so this is possibly the cruelest thing she has ever done to me.

My sisters (aka my caregivers) last day is Wednesday.  Thank you, TennCare, for determining that I need no assistance with daily life.  I did give the court battle all that I had, but in the end, TennCare’s point system beat me.  I am not sick enough to qualify for Choices services.

Jeremiah is having the most difficult time after he eats, and the doctor has tried everything.  Today Grandpa boiled his bottles and fixed his formula with new water from the store.  He burped and spit-up up some, but it wasn’t as bad as this morning.

I keep telling myself that God has a plan, but days like today make it clear that life is going to be harder than ever before.  I had the baby last night, so I did not sleep well.  I got up late and didn’t eat or take my medication until 2 pm.  I simply forgot.  It reminded me of the many years I raised kids, worked, and attended college.  I never had time for myself, and this grandma naturally wants to focus on her grandson more than her needs.  Maybe tomorrow will be better....all I can do is pray.

Living with one of your children is stressful; living with your ex-husband isn't ideal, but losing your independence to Multiple Sclerosis adds the cherry on top!  I am 42 years old and feel like my life is over.  It is a blessing to be a grandma....but when you never leave the house except for surgery or a doctor visit, the looming “my life’s over” hits you harder every day.  I know it could be worse, and I should be thankful, but I am sad.  I wish I could be my cheerleading self, but until things change, I am merely adapting to the new normal.

I love you all so much!

Tina


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We have to stop meeting like this....

Tonight I talked to myself.  I said,” self, why do you feel the way you do?”  Then I said,” self, we have to stop meeting like this because it's one o'clock in the morning”!  I laughed because regardless of the predicament I find myself in, sometimes I don't understand why I do the things I do. Have you ever had a random thought and wondered, “why did I think about that?.  I try to ignore my random thoughts and feelings, but sometimes they just come out when I least expect it. Example 1 ~ When I forget to take my medication, I feel everything.  The depression, sadness, and pain flood in, and all I can do is cry myself to sleep. Example 2 ~ I was watching season three of Anne with an E tonight, and it hit me.  I was crying and feeling very sad.  I should be happy because it was a beautiful ending. However, my mind was thinking about how they loved each other in their youth and found each other again. Right now, in my life, love songs and anything sappy makes me cry.

Beauty in the chaos

Early voting started Friday, so I went to town and voted in the States Primary.  It was a peaceful drive, and then Friday night, we watched the movie 2012. There are so many theories and conspiracies floating around online that the movie made me think about all of them. My thoughts quickly turn to religion and how none of us know when our lives will end. Humanity has gotten it wrong, so many times, and religious leaders continue to attempt to guess, but even the Bible says no one knows. One thing that I know for sure is the earth is a breathtaking place, and I continue to find small glimpses of its beauty amidst the chaos.  Just yesterday, we went to Fall Creek Falls State Park, and I took a dip in the cold water. Families and children were everywhere, laughing and playing.  You would never think that the USA is in an uproar. I saw no signs of social distancing or a pandemic.  I didn't see any mask.  Men were walking their dogs, and the beautiful smells of wood burning flo

My Reality

TennCare called today and requested a new PAE, and it got me to thinking about my daily needs. On social media, I tend to be very positive and encouraging or funny because I know how depressing being disabled can be, especially during the quarantine. I wonder if people see my social media and get the wrong impression of my reality?  Do they know that I published my autobiography and assume that I make money from book sales?  Do they see the videos I post, and assume that I don’t need help with everyday life? The cold hard truth is I need help every day with everything I do! I have grown used to people assuming things because I am capable of putting on a smile at a moment's notice.  As a trauma survivor, the ability to put on a fake smile becomes apart of your personality.  As a mother who had to fight to keep her daughter, I learned to shut my mouth and obey the system. I want to use this blog to make it clear that I need help with the necessary daily tasks.  I forget to ea