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Back to everyday life

Homelife is back to normal, except we now have a new family member!  Jeremiah has brought even more love into our hearts.

Yesterday we went to Cookeville and visited grandma Jody, and Lauren brought Kai by to visit too.  Then we went to my sisters to play with my kitten for a little while.  After we got home, Trenton brought Lincoln over to play with Jackson.  It was nice visiting with an old friend and seeing how the once hyper young boy turned into a responsible adult.  I must say that out of all the guys Alexandria has dated over the years, Trenton is by far the best dad.  You can often tell by watching the kids play together if their parents interact with them at home.

Today Janna came up and brought her kids to play with Jackson.  I went straight from the bed to my chair outside when I got up.   I knew if I stayed in bed that I would never get up.  It is a good thing that I did because I got a fresh watermelon for breakfast!  Alexandria is starting to feel better, and the babies get up early in the morning.  David manages, but he has not felt healthy in over a year now.

Since TennCare is taking my choices, life is fixing to get interesting.  I thought by appealing and doing another PAE that they would see I need help, but no.  They said my diagnoses and medicines do not line up with my office visit charts.  So in the end my doctors have dropped the ball.  I have made appointments to speak with them about this but it will be weeks or months before I get in to see all of them.

I will no longer have any help from the government when it comes to my disabilities.  I am fortunate to have a grant from the drug manufacture for my injections, so I will still get my medications.  It just seems always to be something when it comes to my life.  I mean, it’s been 20 years since the doctors said I couldn’t work anymore and four years since I held a part-time job.  I occasionally help my son, but that is purely out of love, and no money is involved.  I don’t own anything, so here I sit...single, 42 years old, no money and no assets, and my brain hates me.  I know I know ...that was depressing, but it is my reality.  Maybe God is closing doors so he can open new ones.  All I know is at the end of the day, my grandchildren give me a reason to live, and that’s all I need.  Material possessions don’t matter much to me anymore, but they never really did.  They just happened to keep the family together because we worked together, so they were essential to me.  Now I could live anywhere as long as I have my family.

Update on Ashley:  it’s going on six months since I saw Elijah and Ellie.  I was told yesterday that she has pretty much given her family the cold shoulder, and no one knows why.  I understand why, but I have decided to let this play out.  It always does, and then I have to pick up the pieces of my child’s broken heart.  I wish for once he would straighten up and be a good person.  Is that too much to ask?

I pray God gives me the strength to be here for my daughter Alexandria while she finishes nursing school.  That is my goal for the next year.  Oh, and yes, I have the second book finished, but I am holding off on releasing it.  Honestly, I don’t have the money right now. People are focused on the virus and riots so all of humanity is suffering.  It's a dark world so I will continue to turn my light on a shine just in case someone needs me.

Much Love

Tina

I had so much fun playing with the kids today!



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We have to stop meeting like this....

Tonight I talked to myself.  I said,” self, why do you feel the way you do?”  Then I said,” self, we have to stop meeting like this because it's one o'clock in the morning”!  I laughed because regardless of the predicament I find myself in, sometimes I don't understand why I do the things I do. Have you ever had a random thought and wondered, “why did I think about that?.  I try to ignore my random thoughts and feelings, but sometimes they just come out when I least expect it. Example 1 ~ When I forget to take my medication, I feel everything.  The depression, sadness, and pain flood in, and all I can do is cry myself to sleep. Example 2 ~ I was watching season three of Anne with an E tonight, and it hit me.  I was crying and feeling very sad.  I should be happy because it was a beautiful ending. However, my mind was thinking about how they loved each other in their youth and found each other again. Right now, in my life, love songs and anything sappy makes me cry.

Beauty in the chaos

Early voting started Friday, so I went to town and voted in the States Primary.  It was a peaceful drive, and then Friday night, we watched the movie 2012. There are so many theories and conspiracies floating around online that the movie made me think about all of them. My thoughts quickly turn to religion and how none of us know when our lives will end. Humanity has gotten it wrong, so many times, and religious leaders continue to attempt to guess, but even the Bible says no one knows. One thing that I know for sure is the earth is a breathtaking place, and I continue to find small glimpses of its beauty amidst the chaos.  Just yesterday, we went to Fall Creek Falls State Park, and I took a dip in the cold water. Families and children were everywhere, laughing and playing.  You would never think that the USA is in an uproar. I saw no signs of social distancing or a pandemic.  I didn't see any mask.  Men were walking their dogs, and the beautiful smells of wood burning flo

My Reality

TennCare called today and requested a new PAE, and it got me to thinking about my daily needs. On social media, I tend to be very positive and encouraging or funny because I know how depressing being disabled can be, especially during the quarantine. I wonder if people see my social media and get the wrong impression of my reality?  Do they know that I published my autobiography and assume that I make money from book sales?  Do they see the videos I post, and assume that I don’t need help with everyday life? The cold hard truth is I need help every day with everything I do! I have grown used to people assuming things because I am capable of putting on a smile at a moment's notice.  As a trauma survivor, the ability to put on a fake smile becomes apart of your personality.  As a mother who had to fight to keep her daughter, I learned to shut my mouth and obey the system. I want to use this blog to make it clear that I need help with the necessary daily tasks.  I forget to ea