Sitting in my Chair

I had a good morning taking my shower and doing my makeup.  Then I crashed and slept all day.  Now it’s 1:23 am, and I am wide awake watching Fox News.  Jackson is sound asleep with his grandpa, and Alexandria is on a date.  I have made some new friends today who have also written their stories of child abuse.  It is so beautiful to see the lives they have now.  Despite the horrific violence and depression, they have survived!  Every day I try to reach victims who are on the edge of suicide.  However, lately, it has been me who needed encouragement.  I miss Scott & the boys so much.  I hope with therapy, I can work through the emotional pain, but for now, I think finishing the next book will be closing that chapter of my life.  I don’t know what my future holds, but I am going to keep dreaming! I hear it might snow tomorrow, and I can't help but think about Scott.  We both love snow, Christmas, and coffee.  For month...

We made the long trip to Jamestown for my pain management Monday.  I have to see the doctor once a month for refills, which can be annoying because we have the same conversation every time.   However, this month my doctor prescribed my wheelchair.  I am spending too much time at home, and it will be safer for me to roll through Walmart.  It was depressing, but I know it is inevitable.  When we got home, I opened the letters from TennCare, and they have denied my in-home caregiver funding.  I wrote a five-page appeal, and David faxed it for me.  Yesterday I did my mental health intake, and I will have a psych evaluation on March 24.  I have to go back to Personal Growth & Learning for counseling because I have Medicare.  The mental Health Cooperative doesn’t have a licensed therapist who can bill Medicare.  Last night I uploaded the final edits on my ebook, Amazon Books and IngramSpark, for my Autobiography.  It has been read by ...

Good Morning readers.  Please don't ever let fear, shame or embarrassment keep you from seeking help.  Life is hard, and sometimes the brain can't process all the pain.  I made a mental health referral for myself yesterday, and this morning I got a phone call for an intake appointment in Cookeville.  I can not get through this time in my life alone.  I am grieving the loss of relationship with Scott, my cats, and relationships that ended when my autobiography went public.  In the last year, I have moved six times and been through hell with my health.  I have had several surgeries and medication changes.  I fancy myself a badass, but I need professional help with this chapter of my life.  I appreciate all your love and support through the messages and videos.  Strangers have been so kind to me when I felt my lowest.  I love you all! #survivorfamily #love_laughter_truth My little dog Hannah has been super protective today.

I want to warn my readers that this blog post contains information about my personal experience with suicide.  If that is a trigger for you, please do not read. I have suffered from depression, anxiety, and PTSD all of my life, but since August 2019, I have been majorly depressed, and no matter what I tried, I couldn’t seem to shake the rain clouds.  Slowly with the help of medication and friends on social media, I had gotten to a place of contentment.  Then all my cats went missing.  I kept thinking they would come back, but they never did.  Alexandria brought home an English Bull Dog, and he has helped me some, but there is still a deep sadness. This past Friday, after my in-office surgery, I went by Scotts.  He wasn't there, but I got to see the boys and give them hugs.  It was a brief visit.  I cried, but I was happy at the same time.  Yesterday I slowly started getting sad, and thoughts of suicide were constant.  I simply didn’t...

Today I accepted that my cats have passed on.  I put a memorial page for them in my next book because they were with me every time I shed a tear over the last 20 years.  I miss them more and more with each passing day, but it wasn’t healthy to think they might still be alive.  Even if someone stole them and sold them to the animal research center, I know they have perished by now.  The house is so quiet this evening, and all I want is sleep. Much Love goodnight Keep your head up and smile.  The ole devil hates it!

I managed to go to sleep around midnight, but I am still not finished.  Brittany brought Kai up to see me, and we had a good time.  I love my grandsons so much.  Timothy and Stormy have stayed a few nights too.  I miss Jackson when he is on his monthly visits with his dad.  He would have loved to see Kai. I went back on social media today for a few hours.  It tends to clear my mind, but this evening I had a depression hit me that took my breath.  The room was spinning, and I started to cry, and then all the negativity came at me like mini stealth B2 bombers.  Things like “you're worthless,” “you haven’t done anything with your life,” and “you make everyone mad” were front and center. The ”who are you to give anyone advice?” and ”just shut up Tina” came like ocean waves.  It wasn’t a “feel sorry for me” moment.  I felt like shit about myself for a good 30 minutes, and then it passed.  Do you ever have attacks like that?  ...

It is hard to believe that you are a year old today.  I haven’t met you yet but I see your beautiful pictures and videos.  Grandpa is always showing them to me and asking me if I seen them yet.  We live what seems worlds away on the other side of Tennessee.  I pray you have a wonderful weekend. Love you, Grandma Far Far Away

Here it is 3:00 AM, and I am wide awake.  I had 67 ounces of water this afternoon, and Kindle does not make it as easy as it sounds too self publish on their website.  I would not trade IngramSpark for Kindle Direct Publishing EVER!  This error for my cover file size keeps coming up, and it’s the same pdf I used for IngramSpark.  I did get the eBook loaded, but there are still issues between my file and the KDP.  This brings another thought to mind.  Make sure to check anything you order from Amazon because the tiny paper towel rolls they sent me could never compare to the Dollar General!  It is not a conspiracy theory.  I have even compared prices versus volume at Walmart and Sams club only to find out that Sams club is a rip-off. Ok, enough of my rant.  How are you doing?  I sure miss my TikTok family, but I will be back doing videos soon.  I ended up changing the Dpi of the picture, and I had to use Kindles cover creator. ...

Happy Valentine's Day.  It’s is 9:08, and we are on our way to Cookeville.  I will now be seeing Justin at Dr. Copeland's office.  Today he will be looking at my lipomas in my arm.  It has been years since I had an in-office procedure, but I do not want to be put to sleep anymore.  Since I learned that I have kidney disease, I have been cautious about what I put in my body, which includes medication.  I often tell myself to be easy with myself.  More than ever, I feel self-love is so important.  From the way we talk to ourselves to how we treat our bodies.  It is absolutely crucial that we show ourselves some love because this ole world is harsh. There is something on my mind this morning.  It has been two days since I deleted social media from my devices. It has given me time to think, and I have concluded that I will not be wasting my time, money, or energy on ungrateful people anymore.  Where is this coming from, you might ask...

I tossed and turned all night.  The nephrologist put me on a strong antibiotic and Lasix 20mg BID.  I vomited this morning and then slept for a few hours and took a shower.  I feel better, but I am weak.  Doxycycline makes me so tired, but I have another UTI because my bladder is malfunctioning.    I did some writing this evening.  I also feel like I am still coming down from social media addiction.  Janna had the television news this morning, and it irritated me so much that I went back to bed.  I don't even care about politics anymore.  They are all corrupt, and none of them care about the most vulnerable in America.  Just look around, and you will see how much the average worker struggles to keep food on the table and pay for health insurance.  Maybe one day, our tax dollars will help Americans.  I still obey the laws of the land and pray for our government leaders but they have lost all of my respect. My happiness ca...

My mom said I was a sick child.  I came down with pneumonia several times, and I had chickenpox.  I was sexually assaulted from age three until I turn twelve years old by my step uncles.  My father was physically and emotionally abusive.  I was beaten and had my head slammed into walls many times.  By age 7, I was occasionally smoking my grandpa’s cigarettes.  At age 11, I fell and fractured my knee.  At age 13, I was admitted to a mental hospital because I was suicidal and suffered from bulimia. At age 14, the doctor sent me for a scope due to bleeding ulcers.  Later that year, I broke my ankle sleepwalking in the middle of the night.  At age 15, my dad went to court to get permission for me to be married. At age 17, I was pregnant & got the first sore on my breast.  It would be years before Dr. Hamilton at Vanderbilt diagnosed me with Hidradenitis Suppurativa.  On average, from 1995-2019, I have had four surgeries a year to ...

Hello Readers.  I decided today that instead of deleting everything and disappearing, I would let my fans know that I need some quiet time to write.  I removed all the social media from my phones, tablets, and computers today.  I did not delete any of the content, such as pictures, videos, or Blogs because I will be back.  I love all of the encouragement and support, but my life is chaotic. Between managing my daily care for my disabilities and being my grandson’s dinosaur (which is most important), I find it hard to find the time to be creative.  I love doing the videos on TikTok, but I must cut out all unnecessary distractions.  (sorry but I am the Queen boo boo kisser) It is now time to finish the painful story from my past and make room for the future.  I love you all!  Tina Reminder: You can order my autobiography “Sitting In My Chair” on Amazon, Target, Walmart, Barnes & Nobles, BAM and other online retailers.  I also left copies ...

I haven’t written on my blog for five days.  I am doing book edits, and I tend to zone out, so it doesn’t leave much time for anything else.  It has been snowing, and the flu is terrible, so my editor, Zakk Hamilton, has been out of school, which gave him some free time to finish looking over the final chapters of my autobiography.  He is seeking side work, so you need something edited by a brilliant young man, drop me an email.  He spots errors often missed by close family, friends, Microsoft word, and Grammarly.  I continue to be impressed with his editorial skills! We took my autobiography outside to get some snow photos.  I am loving this weather, got coffee and of course the Gilmore Girls! Love~Laughter~Truth Tina

Yesterday I got up and showered to started my day.  I felt good, so David took me to Renegade Mountain for a photoshoot for my book and a video for my next book.  The views are breathtaking, and I wish I could build a small house up there on top!  I am happy where I live, but my heart yearns to wake up to those views every day. On our way back, I crashed hard, so I am still in bed today.  However, there is always light in the darkness.  It came today when I opened TikTok to find a beautiful video duet from a fellow warrior who bought my book.  I hope to get the money saved to publish my second book soon.  It has significant surprises no one is expecting. Lately, my focus has been on the abortion debate and the upcoming election.  You don’t have to agree with my ideas, but we all have to admit that change is coming.  I have great respect for life and our President.  I also see the evil brewing everywhere. I need to go rest. Love ~...

It’s 12:32 am, and I can’t sleep.  My thoughts are all over the place, and I don’t know if I want to ever be in love again.  The idea is excellent, but to have the real authentic feeling scares me to death.  Love is a big deal to me, and it means so much, but my heart is bruised, so even the thought makes me nauseous.  I am happy in my life right now.  There is no pressure to be anything other than what I am.  I adore being a momma, sister, auntie, and grandma.  I love being a good friend to those who value my friendship.  I have hit the delete, unfollow, and remove follower buttons many times since last Spring.  Getting toxic people out of my life gave me time to recover and grow.  I feel like I am still on a journey, and I don’t know what my future holds.  Right now, I am enjoying my life.  Of course, I still have daily health struggles, but I am away from the negativity, so my mental health continues to improve each day. ...

Goodness, what is wrong with men in 2020?  I have watched my baby girl dating over the last six months, and I am blown away by the ignorant men in the world.  One thing hasn’t changed “Why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free?” is still how men look at relationships.  However, women are just as bad, and their new motto is ”Why to buy the whole bull just for a little sausage”.....*eye roll* yes, I am sickened by society in 2020.  Nothing is sacred anymore, and people treat each other like disposable trash bags.  I am such an old romantic soul that I get made fun of for my views on love and relationships.  My uncle Gary told me a beautiful story about sitting on the couch while dating my aunt.  People had respect for each other back then, and it truly meant something to be in love.  I found love twice in my life, and both men broke my heart, but I still have faith that it is in the cards for me.  However, this time around, I won’t be th...