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Suicide & Medication

I want to warn my readers that this blog post contains information about my personal experience with suicide.  If that is a trigger for you, please do not read.

I have suffered from depression, anxiety, and PTSD all of my life, but since August 2019, I have been majorly depressed, and no matter what I tried, I couldn’t seem to shake the rain clouds.  Slowly with the help of medication and friends on social media, I had gotten to a place of contentment.  Then all my cats went missing.  I kept thinking they would come back, but they never did.  Alexandria brought home an English Bull Dog, and he has helped me some, but there is still a deep sadness.

This past Friday, after my in-office surgery, I went by Scotts.  He wasn't there, but I got to see the boys and give them hugs.  It was a brief visit.  I cried, but I was happy at the same time.  Yesterday I slowly started getting sad, and thoughts of suicide were constant.  I simply didn’t want to exist anymore.  I was miserable.  I tried going outside with the dogs, washing dishes, and watching Gilmore Girls.

I was arguing with Alexandria & David.  I didn't want to be here.  Eventually, I found a way to message Scott through an old account.  He talked to me for a moment but ultimately told me he did not want me in his life.  It hurt so bad, and I fell so low.  I cried because I didn't miss Scott, the boyfriend as much as I miss Scott, my best friend!  I miss the person I have talked to every day for the last two years.  So I googled suicide and found information about death and wrote a goodbye note.  Then I took medication with whiskey and eventually passed out.  I remember as I was falling asleep, I was physically holding my breath as long as I could so I wouldn’t be scared during the dying process.  However, I wasn’t scared.  I felt peaceful. Nothing, and no one would ever hurt me again.

Below is a copy of my suicide note.  I even sent a copy of it to Scott.

“Suicide goes against everything I have ever believed about life.  My life is riddled with bullets, and I can’t breathe in this anymore.  The pain I feel is both mentally and physically, but the demon I battle today is my heart.  After years of lies, I was truly happy.  Now I just don’t care about anything.  Over the last 186 days, I have tried everything to get over Scott.  From rage to regret, I have felt it all.  I know you will never agree with my choice, and you're probably thinking about my kids and grandchildren.  They are the one good thing in my life.  However,  they have lives to live and don’t need to be burdened with my medical and emotional issues.  My heart is scarlet and torn.  No one will know until it is too late for an ambulance to stop my death.  I don’t desire to be a vegetable either, and Google has helped me to avoid that scenario.  I have nothing else to offer this ole world.  Just like them horses...it’s time to run.  Do not cry for me.  Much Love

Beth”

This morning I woke up.  I was alive and very disappointed.  After I went to the restroom, I asked David to hand me my pills. He said there is no Zoloft in any of the squares. That sentence stopped me in my tracks. I quickly took one, and an hour later, I feel content again.  The 100mg tablet keeps me alive and is so vital to my wellbeing.  After this experience, I have some advice.  ALWAYS CHECK YOUR PILL BOX & ALWAYS TAKE YOUR MEDICINE!

The mind is a tricky thing, and when you're already vulnerable to depression missing several doses of your mental health medications can cause a disaster!  It has been years since I attempted suicide, but I pray that was my last.

Keep your chin up people and listen to your warning signs.

Love & Prayers

Tina




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