It’s 12:32 am, and I can’t sleep. My thoughts are all over the place, and I don’t know if I want to ever be in love again. The idea is excellent, but to have the real authentic feeling scares me to death. Love is a big deal to me, and it means so much, but my heart is bruised, so even the thought makes me nauseous. I am happy in my life right now. There is no pressure to be anything other than what I am. I adore being a momma, sister, auntie, and grandma. I love being a good friend to those who value my friendship. I have hit the delete, unfollow, and remove follower buttons many times since last Spring. Getting toxic people out of my life gave me time to recover and grow. I feel like I am still on a journey, and I don’t know what my future holds. Right now, I am enjoying my life. Of course, I still have daily health struggles, but I am away from the negativity, so my mental health continues to improve each day. Maybe one day...I do hope to fall in love again.
Tonight I talked to myself. I said,” self, why do you feel the way you do?” Then I said,” self, we have to stop meeting like this because it's one o'clock in the morning”! I laughed because regardless of the predicament I find myself in, sometimes I don't understand why I do the things I do. Have you ever had a random thought and wondered, “why did I think about that?. I try to ignore my random thoughts and feelings, but sometimes they just come out when I least expect it. Example 1 ~ When I forget to take my medication, I feel everything. The depression, sadness, and pain flood in, and all I can do is cry myself to sleep. Example 2 ~ I was watching season three of Anne with an E tonight, and it hit me. I was crying and feeling very sad. I should be happy because it was a beautiful ending. However, my mind was thinking about how they loved each other in their youth and found each other again. Right now, in my life, love songs and anything sappy makes me cry.