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B2 Bombers

I managed to go to sleep around midnight, but I am still not finished.  Brittany brought Kai up to see me, and we had a good time.  I love my grandsons so much.  Timothy and Stormy have stayed a few nights too.  I miss Jackson when he is on his monthly visits with his dad.  He would have loved to see Kai.

I went back on social media today for a few hours.  It tends to clear my mind, but this evening I had a depression hit me that took my breath.  The room was spinning, and I started to cry, and then all the negativity came at me like mini stealth B2 bombers.  Things like “you're worthless,” “you haven’t done anything with your life,” and “you make everyone mad” were front and center. The ”who are you to give anyone advice?” and ”just shut up Tina” came like ocean waves.  It wasn’t a “feel sorry for me” moment.  I felt like shit about myself for a good 30 minutes, and then it passed.  Do you ever have attacks like that?  Well, I am going to sleep.  I love you all!

Tomorrow is a new day.


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We have to stop meeting like this....

Tonight I talked to myself.  I said,” self, why do you feel the way you do?”  Then I said,” self, we have to stop meeting like this because it's one o'clock in the morning”!  I laughed because regardless of the predicament I find myself in, sometimes I don't understand why I do the things I do. Have you ever had a random thought and wondered, “why did I think about that?.  I try to ignore my random thoughts and feelings, but sometimes they just come out when I least expect it. Example 1 ~ When I forget to take my medication, I feel everything.  The depression, sadness, and pain flood in, and all I can do is cry myself to sleep. Example 2 ~ I was watching season three of Anne with an E tonight, and it hit me.  I was crying and feeling very sad.  I should be happy because it was a beautiful ending. However, my mind was thinking about how they loved each other in their youth and found each other again. Right now, in my life, love songs and anything sappy makes me cry.

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Beauty in the chaos

Early voting started Friday, so I went to town and voted in the States Primary.  It was a peaceful drive, and then Friday night, we watched the movie 2012. There are so many theories and conspiracies floating around online that the movie made me think about all of them. My thoughts quickly turn to religion and how none of us know when our lives will end. Humanity has gotten it wrong, so many times, and religious leaders continue to attempt to guess, but even the Bible says no one knows. One thing that I know for sure is the earth is a breathtaking place, and I continue to find small glimpses of its beauty amidst the chaos.  Just yesterday, we went to Fall Creek Falls State Park, and I took a dip in the cold water. Families and children were everywhere, laughing and playing.  You would never think that the USA is in an uproar. I saw no signs of social distancing or a pandemic.  I didn't see any mask.  Men were walking their dogs, and the beautiful smells of wood burning flo