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Sleepy Day

I had a good morning taking my shower and doing my makeup.  Then I crashed and slept all day.  Now it’s 1:23 am, and I am wide awake watching Fox News.  Jackson is sound asleep with his grandpa, and Alexandria is on a date.  I have made some new friends today who have also written their stories of child abuse.  It is so beautiful to see the lives they have now.  Despite the horrific violence and depression, they have survived!  Every day I try to reach victims who are on the edge of suicide.  However, lately, it has been me who needed encouragement.  I miss Scott & the boys so much.  I hope with therapy, I can work through the emotional pain, but for now, I think finishing the next book will be closing that chapter of my life.  I don’t know what my future holds, but I am going to keep dreaming!

I hear it might snow tomorrow, and I can't help but think about Scott.  We both love snow, Christmas, and coffee.  For months I have kept my mouth shut about my feelings so I wouldn't upset those around me, but I will not go back to a place of silence.  I will be honest with myself and my readers.  If you learn nothing from me other than to speak your truth, then I will feel more than accomplished.  There comes a time to live your life for you because you have spent years living it for everyone else.

I probably won’t blog much for the next month.  I have work to get done, and my health is unpredictable right now.  If I do any social media, it will probably be on TikTok.

You all keep safe out there with the coronavirus and election.  I stay home 98% of the time, and I can vote just a few minutes from the house.  I feel pretty fortunate to be able to avoid the craziness.  I am Republican, so I get hate for that online, but I try to keep the peace.  Freewill and respect play a big part in allowing others to enjoy their constitutional rights.  I don't post ugliness either because I figure enough people are doing that, plus I am a lover, not a fighter these days.

Love~Laughter~Truth


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We have to stop meeting like this....

Tonight I talked to myself.  I said,” self, why do you feel the way you do?”  Then I said,” self, we have to stop meeting like this because it's one o'clock in the morning”!  I laughed because regardless of the predicament I find myself in, sometimes I don't understand why I do the things I do. Have you ever had a random thought and wondered, “why did I think about that?.  I try to ignore my random thoughts and feelings, but sometimes they just come out when I least expect it. Example 1 ~ When I forget to take my medication, I feel everything.  The depression, sadness, and pain flood in, and all I can do is cry myself to sleep. Example 2 ~ I was watching season three of Anne with an E tonight, and it hit me.  I was crying and feeling very sad.  I should be happy because it was a beautiful ending. However, my mind was thinking about how they loved each other in their youth and found each other again. Right now, in my life, love songs and anything sappy makes me cry.

Beauty in the chaos

Early voting started Friday, so I went to town and voted in the States Primary.  It was a peaceful drive, and then Friday night, we watched the movie 2012. There are so many theories and conspiracies floating around online that the movie made me think about all of them. My thoughts quickly turn to religion and how none of us know when our lives will end. Humanity has gotten it wrong, so many times, and religious leaders continue to attempt to guess, but even the Bible says no one knows. One thing that I know for sure is the earth is a breathtaking place, and I continue to find small glimpses of its beauty amidst the chaos.  Just yesterday, we went to Fall Creek Falls State Park, and I took a dip in the cold water. Families and children were everywhere, laughing and playing.  You would never think that the USA is in an uproar. I saw no signs of social distancing or a pandemic.  I didn't see any mask.  Men were walking their dogs, and the beautiful smells of wood burning flo

My Reality

TennCare called today and requested a new PAE, and it got me to thinking about my daily needs. On social media, I tend to be very positive and encouraging or funny because I know how depressing being disabled can be, especially during the quarantine. I wonder if people see my social media and get the wrong impression of my reality?  Do they know that I published my autobiography and assume that I make money from book sales?  Do they see the videos I post, and assume that I don’t need help with everyday life? The cold hard truth is I need help every day with everything I do! I have grown used to people assuming things because I am capable of putting on a smile at a moment's notice.  As a trauma survivor, the ability to put on a fake smile becomes apart of your personality.  As a mother who had to fight to keep her daughter, I learned to shut my mouth and obey the system. I want to use this blog to make it clear that I need help with the necessary daily tasks.  I forget to ea