Sitting in my Chair

  We are fixing to ring in 2023 and I am feeling much better today!  I couldn’t sleep last night so I left out and headed to Cookeville this morning around 4am.  My baby sister was up making coffee so we chatted before she left for work. After I got settled I hung out with the kids most of the day.  Pre-teens sure have all the latest family gossip.  They also don’t care to share their view point on my daughter calling me Tina instead of momma.  Apparently it is very disrespectful.  I couldn’t agree more but it doesn’t surprise me.   This afternoon I went live on TikTok this evening and chatted with friends.   Richard and I have never stopped speaking.  We are going into our seventh month of knowing each other.  I love him more today than ever before.  He has truly become my best friend.   Happy New Years  Much Love Tina Louise 

 

  Merry Christmas to all my readers!  I am alone this year because of my health.  Not being able to drive has been a real bummer!  I sure miss my family right now.  Earlier tonight I fixed a sweet potato and watched a movie.  I’m blessed to be alive and have wonderful friends in my life.  I have learned so much this year about being truly independent while battling Multiple Sclerosis.  Just when I thought I would break, God gave me the strength to keep going.  I pray all is well with you.  You can still email me if you need to talk.  I am a good listener and I understand the heartaches of this holiday season alone. I love you all very much. Merry Christmas  Tina Louise 

  I turned 45 yesterday and it was an awesome day!  It all started on Wednesday with a trip to the salon.  I got my hair cut, dipped nails, pedicure and eyebrows waxed!  Then I saw the chiropractor for my daily pop.  Yesterday started at midnight when Richard Videochatted me to wish me Happy Birthday.  I fell back asleep and woke up to a sweet message from my loving daughter in law Lauren.  Then I had hot coffee, and a biscuit from Hardee’s.   After that I went to town and picked up my birthday cake.  Throughout the day I got loving messages from friends on Facebook and text from my momma, sister and Brittany.  Jerry and Jan bought be a Keurig for my birthday/Christmas so I had snickers coffee with my chocolate cake!  My day ended with a beautiful FaceTime call from Kane and a phone call from my son!  I feel so blessed and loved!   Merry Christmas  Much Love Tina Louise 

  I am so fucking sick of being the nice one!  Even when I wrote my autobiography I was nice.  I could have made folk's eyes bleed, but I didn't.  I choose to be the better person!   I am sick of taking the blame for the bastards who hurt my daughters!  I was left to pick up the pieces of their broken souls!  Plus I worked three jobs and remained the constant in their lives, when others jumped ship!  I did the very best I could!  I made mistakes because I'm not fucking perfect! Now when I need my daughters they hate me.  Now I am the evil villain.  No more!   I’m not staying around for this bullshit.  I am not the family punching bag!  I damn sure ain’t gonna move back closer to it.  I did my job I raised my kids, and now that David- is gone, I see no reason for me to stick around!  I have no desire to be trash-talked and blamed for my daughter's bad life decisions!   What about my son?  He helped ...

I don’t understand what’s going on with my daughters or why I can’t see my grandchildren.  For the last two years, I have been so lonely.  Losing David sent me into a very dark place, but what happened afterward lead me to this very moment.   Have you ever grieved someone who is that still alive?  Every day I grieve my daughters, and their children.  They are alive and well, but they have no time for me.  My son works so much that’s it’s been a year since he came to visit.  I can’t drive long distances anymore so I can’t drive to them, plus gas is ridiculous. It’s just me and Hannah all alone.  I have tried to find love, and I’ve given several men the opportunity to have a relationship with me.  However, I think I must be unlovable.  It seems most men just want is sex.  Jeffrey was the exception but he also passed away.  I’ve actually lost two boyfriends, one to Covid and one to a heart attack.  I feel like a being punishe...

  After 5 months I broke things off with Richard.  He is a good friend and nice guy but not so good at dating.  I won't go into details but this was the healthiest choice I could make for myself right now.  We live five hours from one another and I learned that I hate long-distance relationships. Anyway enough about that.   The picture is my Christmas tree this year.  I want to give a special shout out to my neighbors David, Jerry and Vivian for picking it up at the tree farm and helping me decorate my beautiful tree.  It means so much to me!   Life has calmed down so much since the doctor put me on bed rest.  I was forced to take care of myself and not worry about the rest of the world.  I did spend Thanksgiving away from my family but my neighbors enjoyed my cooking.  I made my first turkey by myself and it was wonderful!  My kids didn't even call me, but my mom, sister and grandson called on Facetime.  Jackson made my d...

October 15th, I got up and felt amazing so I decided to take advantage of my “good day”.  The Autumn colors were brilliant as I drove through the back roads of Kentucky.  After 309 miles I was greeted by my love in his driveway with a big hug.  I was finally in his loving arms.  Two days just wasn't enough and I can't wait til he moves to Tennessee!  I love you Richard!! :)

I absolutely love being a grandma!  Today I was blessed to have all three of my youngest daughters babies!  Things are still uncertain between me and my daughter but she seems to have chilled out some.  There is still so much to work through but I am staying right here until she makes me leave.  I am willing to work through anything but boundaries have to be respected.   Much Love Tina Louise 

  Can a grandma be fired?  Well, I was told today that because my dog peed and pooed in her kennel that I was being replaced.  Well, she said I will know by Friday if she got a new babysitter.  I come here and sleep in a closet on a twin mattress 4-5 days a week and charge her nothing but gas!  However, there is someone out there who can do better.  Have you met my daughter?  She expects perfection!  Life is too short to be remembered for having a spotless home.  What about living life?  Is it not normal for an animal to use the restroom in their kennel when they have been trained to do so????? Wtf I don’t even know how to process the last month of my life.  I have been put down, yelled at, and slowly beaten down into an empty shell.   Goodnight my friends Much Love Tina Louise 

  I spent two days at home and headed back to Crossville to babysit for my daughter.  As soon as she got home she was picking apart how I put laundry in the washer, then it was how I was tending to the baby.  She says she doesn't know why I can't come here and act like a normal mom.  (I have multiple sclerosis)  She wants me to help with chores.  She said me being here is putting too much stress on her too.   My head was spinning as I seen the roses I got to put by David’s urn were on my dresser!  Then I noticed David’s pillow was missing.  I left David's pillow here and she shoved it under the bed!  She said I didn’t ask to put anything by her “father’s” urn and it’s her house so I have to ask before I do anything! That’s when things got ugly.  She called me a whore and said everyone knows it.  I get called a whore because I dated.  She brought up a man I had been talking to also.  I got called a whore because I have...

David has been gone for two years now.  I commemorated this with a six-pack and some pineapple delta 8.  The last two days are foggy, but I got through them!  Some folks might judge me but I sat alone at home all weekend.  No one called to check on me except for Richard.   He lost his wife so I feel like he really understands what I am going through!  Longmire was one of Dave’s favorite shows so I binge-watched it too. I find comfort in having his favorite things around me when I am grieving.   Love you  Tina Louise

I am back home in the mountains.  I collapsed when I got into my apartment.  Lucky for me I have friends here in Wartburg.  David unloaded my car and Jerry made sure I had hot coffee.  I have been in tears for hours since the loneliness set in.  I’m telling you that this kind of loneliness cannot be fixed with friends or family!  The yearning to want to embrace someone who loves me is agonizing.  I don’t have a person anymore and while I will survive and live a content life, this pain is slowly killing me.  I wish I had more positive words but tonight I am longing for something more than sex, and much more than friendship.   Much Love  Tina Louise 

I used to believe that I had to be in a relationship and have that status of belonging to someone.  That analogy took me to some dark places over the last two years.  I didn't think I mattered without a “grandpa”.  There was a time when one of my grandchildren even asked me if I had found a “new grandpa”.  David left some big shoes to fill but let us face it....no one could ever fill his shoes!  He was irreplaceable!  He left his legacy in the children we raised and every time I see one of the grandchildren I see his spirit.  So where does that leave me?  I can't replace David or fill this dark hole.  Now I have to face that he is never coming back. It took me two years and a good friend to face my reality and now maybe the healing can begin. Every step I take alone hurts like hell, but I now have two years of experience under my belt!  Always remember none of us grieve the same so be easy with yourself. Much Love Tina Louise

Richard read my blog today and said I didn't seem to have my priorities straight.  He said I wasn't alone because I have an abundance of family and friends.  That is partly true, but I have to say that in two years I can count on my hand the number of families who have come to visit.  Teresa is the only friend to make the trip and honestly, it has shown me who my friends are in this world.  I spent 30+ years running the roads for my friends.  My son and youngest daughter are the only ones to visit me from my family.  I hear all the excuses about gas prices and how they work and I don't, but I worked for years!  I wore out vehicles helping folks, so what is one visit to Wartburg?  Anyway, I am not upset because I have grown to enjoy my solitude.  The loneliness I speak about comes when you roll over to touch someone in the middle of the night and it is void! I am craving the affection and love of a God-fearing, strong, man.  Is that wron...

I must tell you that I never thought I would be content alone.  I was convinced I needed a man to survive.  In 2020, my love of 22 years passed away and my life was a total mess.  I was in panic mode because I didn't think I could survive on my own.  I have been on my own for two years and now I have a stable life.  My health is still a yo-yo but for the most part, it is manageable.   I will admit I stay depressed and lonely.  I no longer get the Good Morning text and the sweet text goodnight.  I stopped dating after Jeffrey passed away then I met Richard.  I fell in love with him but that didn’t work out.  Richard lives too far away and we both have family obligations.   Right now I am brokenhearted so the days of the family gossip about who I am dating are OVER!  I gave it all I had and most single men just don’t have their shit together enough to have a relationship!  I spent all this time growing and changing my life t...

Good evening readers.  I apologize for my absence but my health has not been so good.  My depression is also taking its toll on me.  I really think it has to do with the heat and cabin fever but winter will be here soon.  I am blessed with a beautiful family, but I live so far away that I rarely see them anymore.  When I am able, I make a trip to Cookeville once a month.  If you ever want to meet for coffee while I am in town send me a message.  I pray all is well with you!  Remember to never give up on yourself!   Much Love,  Tina

  I have a beautiful new granddaughter!  Alexandria and the baby are doing good!  I got to visit with them on Sunday and it was amazing.  I did cry a little thinking how David would adore our new granddaughter, and I told Peyton about her grandpa!   I took my nieces and nephews to the lake yesterday which was a big deal for me!  It was the first time I drove out of town with kids in my vehicle in years!  Multiple Sclerosis has taken so much from me and slowly I am getting it back.  We had a great time too.  I stopped to get them slushies (thank you Jeffrey)  and Austin took them for boat rides.  I got to see Kai, Ellie and Elijah play while I held my new grandson Kane.  Austin cooked for over 30 people.  I was super excited to see Lisa and George too!   Saturday I had a beautiful breakfast date with my friend Shaun and after work today I will head back home to see my friends in Wartburg.  I sure miss Jerry, Jan, ...

The loving boy I once met at the skating rink is now a cold disrespectful man.  I seem to keep running into men who have no idea how to treat a woman.  Last night I was called ignorant because I agree with some of President Trump's politics then the guy broke up with me because we are too different.  When I asked why he didn't say something before well he brought up my disability.  He said he knew my health could get worse and he couldn't bear to watch me get sicker.  I do pray he never gets sick...karma is a bitch for shallow people.   Thank God for my loving Sister who lives down the road so I had a haven just minutes after the ordeal.  I blocked him on everything as I pulled out of his apartment complex.  I was warned about dating Dax Bush, but I thought I knew him.....Now I see he is a cold-hearted asshole who uses women to get what he wants then he tosses them away with lame excuses!   Well guys I am off to spend time with the family! Lo...

Wow so much has happened just in the last two weeks. My insurance disenrolled me from Choices so I no longer have a caregiver.  I am free to come and go as I please now.  I just spent a week visiting my new grandson and my sister!  I even got to visit with my momma.  Currently, I am at the beginning of an MS crash so I am resting at my boyfriend's house in Cookeville.  Yes, I said I have a boyfriend.  I will tell you more about him later, but for now, I am enjoying the privacy.  Alexandria is due with baby Peyton soon so I will be busy for six weeks at her house. I'm still grieving for David but I think I see the future with a more positive outlook.  I am not as angry as I used to be, nor is the depression as dark.  I have to run! Talk to you guys later  Love you all  Tina 

It has been months since I sat in front of a computer.  Writers block is real and I have had a double dose.   I had Covid-19 again.  I am still struggling with the lingering depression, cough and wheezing.  When I breath it sounds so funny like a little mini whistle.  I was also recently diagnosed with severe sleep apnea so Friday they are delivering my CPAP machine.   I am sad to report that Nicolas died suddenly at home in February.  I have been beside myself.  He was only 40 years old.  It really hits home when someone your age passes away.  I know he will be missed by his family whom he loved dearly.    On a positive note the App Phlokk is in beta testing and I am excited for everyone who has endured the bullies on TikTok.   I will write more tomorrow, but for now I pray you have a blessed evening.   Much Love,  Tina