Sitting in my Chair

This week the pain has been horrible.  I have hurt 24/7.  I don’t know if it is the lack of exercise, rain, or depression, but I haven’t left the bed much since Sunday morning until today.  It has mainly been my hips and feet cramping, and it brings me to tears. Update on Choices.  The judge denied my appeal, so I had to type another appeal.  By the time I finished, I couldn’t remember names and I was so foggy.  I have found that when I am already in pain, doing anything that takes intense mental concentration puts me into massive brain fog.  It is a typical crash landing without an airbag!  I can only assume that the people at Tenncare have no sympathy for my disability because this has been going on for months!  Truthfully it isn't as bad as the disability packet that I have to fill out randomly because they need proof I still have Multiple Sclerosis.  LMAO, do they think one day I will magically wake up and be healed?  It would...

It has been a relaxing Sunday at home with David, Alexandria, and Jackson.  The rain and quarantine have kept us from venturing outside.  I hope tomorrow is a beautiful day so Jackson can play with his tractor. My Facebook hit 100 friends today.  I still don’t understand how big creators keep up with millions of fans.  I have 1120 friends on TikTok, and it has taken months to get to know them.  I sometimes visit Facebook lives, or YouTube lives of creators with only 100,000 subscribers, and the comments go so fast you can barely read them.  I want my book to reach all over the world, but I do not want to lose touch with my friends and supporters who have been with me since it all started.  I think that is why I don’t push my content as much as others do because I am scared of going viral.  Plus, I do not have the money or a big publisher behind me to promote my book.  I have watched other creators crash and burn from stress, so I appreciate...

This morning I awoke to a fellow survivor telling her story of child sex abuse on Facebook.  It was right then that I knew it is so crucial for us to speak our truth and tell our story.  I wanted to cry because it is sad to hear that another girl was hurt in my home town, but I wanted to rejoice at her bravery!  She is finally free and no longer trapped by the fear left by the abuse! It is not an easy story to tell as you risk your privacy, but for all the generations to come, I pray our stories give others the tools to survive.  So many young men and women look to suicide to ease the pain left by child abuse. If you are a victim of abuse or rape, please seek help immediately.  What happened to you is not your fault, and your life is precious!  There is light at the end of the darkness.

Last night I was going to go to sleep, but I had a few people I needed to talk to first. Over the last year, I have made several social media platforms for my book (Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, TikTok, Email, Blogger, YouTube, Tumblr, Pinterest, and Podcast).  Recently I took back control of the accounts, removing trolls, bots, and haters.  That, in turn, had me looking at my friends and followers.  I deleted many fake accounts and changed how I communicate with my fans, verses my family, and close friends.  So last night I realized that two people had deleted me as a friend and I wanted to know why.  After I sent the messages, I found myself staying up a few hours because one of my friends brought up the topic I like to avoid (religion)!   I love these people dearly, but for my mental health, I think it is a good thing that we are not connected online.  I do not need the stress of continually explaining my personal and private decisions.  My ...

Today was an awesome day in my self-care experience as I got my nose ring, and tonight David bought some Latte nail polish and painted my toes, and Alexandria did my nails in the dip powder nails.  I feel like myself again!  Friday, I will be getting my tattoos!  I am so excited!  A dragonfly on my hand and the snowflake on my heart!  I think my MS relapse is on its way out, so that I will have a few good days ahead of me! We had doctor visits today via Facebook Messenger, and I no longer have to take the Ambien since it did not work.  I am sleeping better now that life is less crazy.  I keep telling myself that life is going to keep looking up as long as I keep looking up to God and trusting his word! This is going to be a short blog as I am naturally sleepy! Oh, and Diesel loves his new home, and Hannah isn’t so lonely.  Ever since Rascal passed away, she has been rather sad. Love your Faces Tina

Yesterday I had a telephone conference with a Judge over my Choice program.  I qualify for Medicaid and Choices group 3, but a rule to Group 3 is that you must be receiving SSI.  I appealed the decision a few months ago, and the judge will give his decision on May 6, 2020.  Now that I am divorced, and David is disabled, they do not count him as a caregiver.  Alexandria is fixing to have a baby, and she already has a three-year-old toddler, so she will be back to work six weeks after she has Jeremiah.  I stopped receiving the food boxes from mom's meals because the rice had plastic in it, so if the judge doesn’t approve my choices caregiver, then I will be in a predicament. Yesterday the doctor ordered a CT of David’s brain because it is looking more and more like he has Neuroborreliosis from Lyme Disease.  Diabetes and Lyme Disease were terrible enough, but now Dr. Gaw is talking about Lumbar Puncture.  Dr. Todd took out his PICC line and said this w...

It has been a long week!  A dear friend lost their 21-year-old son in a terrible car accident.  They continue to be in my thoughts & Prayers.  #tobysarmy #joesphsarmy The IRS based our stimulus payment on our 2018 tax returns and sent it to our closed joint checking account.  Surprisingly the bank printed a cashiers check, and we went through the drive-thru in Sparta to pick it up.  Janna drove us in her new van, and it was a very comfortable ride!  I love spending time with my sister on my good days.  They are rare, and I cherish every moment.  We got a few tacos and coffee while in Sparta, then we came home very thankful that everything worked out.  For the first time in two years, no one needed my help, and I didn’t spend a dime of it on anyone else!  I took back my life at that moment, and to my surprise, I had zero desire to see Scott while in town.  I finally felt free of a bad situation!  It was like the chains of ...

Yesterday afternoon the health department called but I was in an active MS flair, so I missed the call.  This morning I got my results, and I was NEGATIVE for the virus. The government probably won’t like me saying this, but I feel like if people used good hygiene, much of this pandemic would not have happened.  Due to my anxiety, I sit and think about all the places we get exposed to that few people talk about online.  The mailbox, gas pump, cash, bank, prescriptions, takeout, and groceries are just a few.  I had an emergency room and doctor visit, and the doctors never wore gloves or protective gear.  My sister’s husband works at the hospital, and she is my caregiver.  My daughter worked at a nursing home until a few weeks so.  My grandson's dad gets him ten days out of the month when he flys in from work in North Dakota.  I have stayed home except for doctor's visits or a ride in the truck for fresh air.  We live right off the interstate...

I am changing the way I communicate with my fans.  As of right now, everything I do is free, but I need to make the funds to publish my next book.  I have tried “PayPal,” “Go Fund Me,” and Facebook, but the efforts have not helped me on my journey.  I self publish, so I am responsible for everything from the ideals to the promotion.  I am disabled and so I am on my own.  I will still communicate the way I always have, but I will be offering exclusive posts, Hoodies, and Signed copies of my books in the different tiers.  I appreciate all of your support! JOIN NOW

I haven’t felt good in years because I have a terrible immune system and several disabilities.  However, when I feel random, shocking pain, I worry.  Living with disabilities is often a guessing game from one day to the next.  Life in itself is so unpredictable that this virus is like the icing on the cake.  Essential workers have families, and often we let our guard down around them.  My sister raises her granddaughter.  Her stepdaughter's husband works at a prison and has been exposed to a positive COVID-19 patient.  He didn’t say anything until his work sent him to a hotel to quarantine while they wait for his test results.  This past weekend my sister, who is also my caregiver, didn’t think anything of her granddaughter going for a weekend visit with her mom.  She had no idea that it could expose us all to the coronavirus.  Well....now we have been tested, and we wait.  I hurt all over from my disabilities, but this pain is so d...

If you have recently been a victim of rape, I know you're scared and probably don’t know where to turn or what to do.  As a survivor, my only advice is that you seek counseling immediately!  You were attacked not only physically but mentally.  You need someone in your corner more now than ever before.  If you decided to go to the police, please do not shower first.  Collecting DNA from your clothing is so crucial for detectives to give the District Attorney a solid case. If you just need to hear a safe voice and have no one in your life that you want to share this with at the moment, please call RAINN 1 (800) 656-4673.  They are available 24/7. Please click on the picture below for more information.

Recently I had a conversation with someone about relationships and balance.  They were flustered because they felt like they were the only one in the relationship.  As I listened, I quickly could relate to their feelings. The first one might not seem like a huge deal, but if you are the only one in the relationship taking pictures of the two of you as a couple 🚩#1. If you’re the only one in the relationship who plans vacations, date nights or anniversaries 🚩#2 If you’re the only one to initiate intimacy 🚩 #3 If your partner ignores your feelings and try’s to explain away your thoughts as paranoia, silliness or stupidity 🚩 #4 If your partner only shows interest in you when someone else shows interest 🚩 #5 If your partner never asks you to go places with them 🚩 #6 If your partner ignores your personal preferences and insists that you try food, drinks or activities that they want 🚩 #7 If you buy your partner gifts and surprise them, but you have to tell the...

It is Easter Sunday, and the world as we know it has forever changed.  It has rained and rained today, and we are expecting storms tonight.  We ran to the dollar general because out of the blue, and I had $180 in snap benefits on my card.  I usually get $16 a month, and I have no idea why they gave me so much, but I am delighted. I hate being disabled and on government assistance, but I can't work, and I have zero assets. I don't even have a vehicle anymore. I continue to write in hopes that my work will make some money in the future. This afternoon I napped and tried to think about the future, but the more Bible reading I do, the more I wonder if the “Great Tribulation has started and Armageddon is on the horizon?”  I am not scared for the future as I know God’s Will is unfolding no matter what humans try to do to stop it.  I got up and curled my hair, and played dinosaurs with Jackson.  David offered to shave my noodle legs, and it was very nice just ...

This morning we got up early, and David took me to my sisters.  I was moving slowly because last night, after I took my medication, I vomited and had very painful gas under my shoulder blades all night long.  When we got to Janna’s, I was able to eat some toast, and I got some much needed alone time to play with four adorable kittens for a few hours. David and Janna waited in line for a few hours for food at Feed America First at TTU.  We were given some fruit and an abundance of toiletries.  Janna said the volunteers do a fantastic job. My thoughts: People need food, not ten packs of toothpaste.  I am not complaining, but the food missions in our area do not give much food. It is so confusing to me how they have money for all these name brand toiletries but do not have money to provide food.  Today they were fortunate that the USDA had partnered with them, so we got bags of apples, oranges, potatoes, and bananas.  The system of charitable giving s...

This blog is specifically about Multiple Sclerosis.  In my life, it is a daily struggle because I have to remind those this claim to be taking care of me that I can’t hold a hot plate, and I choke easy.  It never fails that I could be sitting in an odd position on the couch, and my grandson could be jumping around, and someone will hand me a full plate of hot food.  Am I ungrateful?  Do I not appreciate the food?  noooooooo. I have specific skills with my disabilities that I have mastered over the years so I can live a semi-normal life.  You would think that those who love me would not continue to ignore these entirely, but they do every day.  They play pretend that I am not sick unless it is convenient, and the disability will humiliate me.  Then my disability is funny.  I have felt this way for years, and I continue to ask them not to do it.  I do not want to be in the spotlight at every family gatherings or function.  Therefore, ...

Are you're a Burden? Over the years, I have heard people say that about themselves and their family members, and I have felt like a burden at times.  However, recently friends have pointed out how much of a blessing I have been, and it completely humbled me.  So if you're feeling low and like a burden, I ask that you do one thing for me.  Write down anything you do for someone else.  I don’t care if it is as simple as peeling potatoes for dinner or making a phone call.  Then look at that list every day, and when you do something new, add it to the list.  You are valuable.  Even those of us who can’t work full time pay household bills and buy food each month.  Don’t put yourself down because you know if the tables turned, you would do whatever you could for your family!  Most of all, you give them love! Just went I think no one is watching, reading or paying attention to me someone stops me in my tracks with one comment on one of my vid...

Last night I spent a few hours alone in my bedroom, lighting candles, saying prayers, and reading the Bible.  I haven’t missed the memorial at the Kingdom Hall in years, so David made unleavened bread, and Alexandria got me some wine.  It was so lovely to spend this time with God thanking him and asking for his guidance and wisdom.  I could feel him all around me. This morning I got up in a panic due to the new medication causing horrific nightmares, so today, the doctor changed my prescription.  They are going to do an in-home sleep study on me this week because of past testing it is clear that I have severe sleep apnea. Janna came today, and we got all the bushes trimmed all around the house.  Brittany brought Kai up last night, so I got to watch the boys play in the back yard while I played rummy with the girls this morning.  The weather was terrific, and the coffee was hot!  Overall this was a beautiful day. I noticed a few hours ago that bad...

Someone reminded me today that I have not been myself in a long time.  I was never one to post anything negative about another person online, but I have allowed ugly people to taint my personality.  The anger has gotten to me, and the pain has been overwhelming.  In my autobiography, I was so careful not to name anyone by their legal name, and even when I vent on my blog or TikTok, I try to avoid using people's real names until recently. Now I just don’t care anymore.  The ones I write negatively about didn’t care enough about me not to hurt me.  Common sense is if you want people to see you as a kind person, then I guess you should treat people with kindness.  Furthermore, never has any of the people I speak about stopped pointing out my flaws or gossiping about me.  Things always get back to me because I am not a fake ass friend.  I believe in being honest and loyal, and when someone thinks I should be aware of something, they tell me. I hav...

We planted seeds, tomato plants, and other goodies today!  I am excited. On a side note, I am having reservations about staying in Tennessee now.  I found out today that someone lives 64 miles from me now, and they used to live two states away.  I do wish all my ex’s lived in Texas. David continues to keep me on this roller coaster of “we might try again” and “I don’t know.”  He will be super sweet then speak to me like he is my dad.  You know that hateful tone with words that make you feel useless and stupid.  I know he is ten years older than me, and he has disabilities, but I just don’t want to be in a relationship with someone who talks to me like I am a child.  I don’t like the name-calling, cursing, or getting yelled at, so I believe we will just remain friends.  David is a good man, and I will never take away from him the years he worked and cared for the children. If you read my book, then you know the bulk of our relationship, and I...

I finished writing my second book.  I am done with the cover, and it is uploaded. I will finish the edits next week and upload it to Amazon.  David and I have our hands full managing our disabilities and our grandson.  Even when our daughter is home, it can be a handful to tend to the daily needs of a toddler.  My sister is still my caregiver Monday- Friday during the day, so I am well taken care of, and I have everything I need.  (Praise God) Life is scary, but here at home, we are listening to all the CDC instructions. I had my first appointments via telephone with my doctor and counselor this week, and they were wonderful!  I honestly think we should do this all the time to save gas, time, and money.  David picked up all our refills, so we are good for another month.  The food is thin, but we have enough!  Well, I am going to go rest. Much Love Tina

I am not going to say much on the subject because it is everywhere from the news to the Internet; you can’t escape the sadness.  I will say, please stay home.  I continue to pray every day and take moments of silence for those who lost their lives to this horrific virus.  We have designated one person to go to the store for us in the family. My daughter is a pregnant CNA, so I worried myself sick for weeks, but the doctor took her off of work until six weeks after she has the baby.  We had stocked up on supplies and started doing more outside.  Today David set up the bounce houses for Jackson & Kai.  They had a blast, and my daughter took some beautiful maternity photos today in the side yard.  There is so much you can do at home, but I have enjoyed David’s cooking the most.  There is nothing better than fresh tomatoes and brisket on warm bread.