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Planting Seeds

We planted seeds, tomato plants, and other goodies today!  I am excited.

On a side note, I am having reservations about staying in Tennessee now.  I found out today that someone lives 64 miles from me now, and they used to live two states away.  I do wish all my ex’s lived in Texas.

David continues to keep me on this roller coaster of “we might try again” and “I don’t know.”  He will be super sweet then speak to me like he is my dad.  You know that hateful tone with words that make you feel useless and stupid.  I know he is ten years older than me, and he has disabilities, but I just don’t want to be in a relationship with someone who talks to me like I am a child.  I don’t like the name-calling, cursing, or getting yelled at, so I believe we will just remain friends.  David is a good man, and I will never take away from him the years he worked and cared for the children.

If you read my book, then you know the bulk of our relationship, and I have forgiven so much and expected so little.  Over the years, David cooked many meals and cleaned when I was too sick to get out of bed.  He folded hundreds of loads of laundry.  He loves his children and grandchildren.  Our friendship is like no other, but when it comes to romance, we do not click.  When David thinks someone else wants me, he turns on the charm, but when he feels safe, things quickly turn ugly.

I do believe living the rest of my life single might just be the best idea!  Someone else actually purposed marriage to me the other night, and it excites me but terrified me.  I just don’t think I have it in me to plant any more seeds when it comes to men!  I want 1000 yellow daisies, and that just isn't in the cards for me.


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We have to stop meeting like this....

Tonight I talked to myself.  I said,” self, why do you feel the way you do?”  Then I said,” self, we have to stop meeting like this because it's one o'clock in the morning”!  I laughed because regardless of the predicament I find myself in, sometimes I don't understand why I do the things I do. Have you ever had a random thought and wondered, “why did I think about that?.  I try to ignore my random thoughts and feelings, but sometimes they just come out when I least expect it. Example 1 ~ When I forget to take my medication, I feel everything.  The depression, sadness, and pain flood in, and all I can do is cry myself to sleep. Example 2 ~ I was watching season three of Anne with an E tonight, and it hit me.  I was crying and feeling very sad.  I should be happy because it was a beautiful ending. However, my mind was thinking about how they loved each other in their youth and found each other again. Right now, in my life, love songs and anything sappy makes me cry.

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Beauty in the chaos

Early voting started Friday, so I went to town and voted in the States Primary.  It was a peaceful drive, and then Friday night, we watched the movie 2012. There are so many theories and conspiracies floating around online that the movie made me think about all of them. My thoughts quickly turn to religion and how none of us know when our lives will end. Humanity has gotten it wrong, so many times, and religious leaders continue to attempt to guess, but even the Bible says no one knows. One thing that I know for sure is the earth is a breathtaking place, and I continue to find small glimpses of its beauty amidst the chaos.  Just yesterday, we went to Fall Creek Falls State Park, and I took a dip in the cold water. Families and children were everywhere, laughing and playing.  You would never think that the USA is in an uproar. I saw no signs of social distancing or a pandemic.  I didn't see any mask.  Men were walking their dogs, and the beautiful smells of wood burning flo