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Good Day/ Bad Day

This morning we got up early, and David took me to my sisters.  I was moving slowly because last night, after I took my medication, I vomited and had very painful gas under my shoulder blades all night long.  When we got to Janna’s, I was able to eat some toast, and I got some much needed alone time to play with four adorable kittens for a few hours.

David and Janna waited in line for a few hours for food at Feed America First at TTU.  We were given some fruit and an abundance of toiletries.  Janna said the volunteers do a fantastic job.

My thoughts: People need food, not ten packs of toothpaste.  I am not complaining, but the food missions in our area do not give much food. It is so confusing to me how they have money for all these name brand toiletries but do not have money to provide food.  Today they were fortunate that the USDA had partnered with them, so we got bags of apples, oranges, potatoes, and bananas.  The system of charitable giving sometimes fails to help with the actual need.  I know people mean well, but the organization of the giving needs improvement.

After David got back, we went over to my son's music store.  He has moved and will reopen after quarantine is over.  This virus has hurt the small businesses in our area, but the loans should help them come back to life once this mess is over.  David helped get the computers back up and running while I visited Brittany and Kai.  Lauren brought us Starbucks, which was a massive treat for me as I haven't gone out for coffee in months.  Then she took me for a ride in her Hummer, and I must say it was very roomy and comfortable.  She ran into the store and got Austin some new shoes, and I listened to music.  If Cookeville was that quiet all the time, I might enjoy living there again.  I had a great time seeing my son and his new store location.

Around 2 pm, my MS flared, and David had to take me home.  I cried all the way home.  My ribs and hips felt like they were in a vice, and my anxiety was roaring.   I got emotional today after some shocking news within my family.  I did my best to hide my emotions, but I had forgotten my morning medication, so by the time I realized it, I was in trouble.  I have a hard time processing shocking information, especially when it opens my old wombs just as they start to heal.  Emotional Stress + Disability = Painful Flare.  It didn’t help matters that Ashley hasn’t visited or spoken to me in three months, and I miss Elijah and Ellie so much.  I feel like living with this disease for years and surviving the hell I went through is enough punishment for whatever she feels I did wrong as a parent.  I did everything the opposite of my parents, and still, it is never enough for Ashley.  I love my daughter, but she continues to break my heart.


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We have to stop meeting like this....

Tonight I talked to myself.  I said,” self, why do you feel the way you do?”  Then I said,” self, we have to stop meeting like this because it's one o'clock in the morning”!  I laughed because regardless of the predicament I find myself in, sometimes I don't understand why I do the things I do. Have you ever had a random thought and wondered, “why did I think about that?.  I try to ignore my random thoughts and feelings, but sometimes they just come out when I least expect it. Example 1 ~ When I forget to take my medication, I feel everything.  The depression, sadness, and pain flood in, and all I can do is cry myself to sleep. Example 2 ~ I was watching season three of Anne with an E tonight, and it hit me.  I was crying and feeling very sad.  I should be happy because it was a beautiful ending. However, my mind was thinking about how they loved each other in their youth and found each other again. Right now, in my life, love songs and anything sappy makes me cry.

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Beauty in the chaos

Early voting started Friday, so I went to town and voted in the States Primary.  It was a peaceful drive, and then Friday night, we watched the movie 2012. There are so many theories and conspiracies floating around online that the movie made me think about all of them. My thoughts quickly turn to religion and how none of us know when our lives will end. Humanity has gotten it wrong, so many times, and religious leaders continue to attempt to guess, but even the Bible says no one knows. One thing that I know for sure is the earth is a breathtaking place, and I continue to find small glimpses of its beauty amidst the chaos.  Just yesterday, we went to Fall Creek Falls State Park, and I took a dip in the cold water. Families and children were everywhere, laughing and playing.  You would never think that the USA is in an uproar. I saw no signs of social distancing or a pandemic.  I didn't see any mask.  Men were walking their dogs, and the beautiful smells of wood burning flo