Sitting in my Chair

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So today, I was wide awake at 3 am.  David got up and fixed coffee and oatmeal, and I started my exercise routine.  We hung out around the house, and then we went out exploring.  I got a library card for Jackson and me today, and the librarian in spectacular!  She found us six dinosaur books.  Jackson enjoyed playing with the train table, but his poor little nose ran the whole time we were in there, so we cut the visit short.  Then we had lunch at the park and explored Renegade Mountain.  The views were breathtaking.  I can’t wait to take Janna up there to see the mountains.  Speaking of Janna, she was sick today so she didn’t come to the house.  She has four kids in school so I know they bring germs in everyday.  I am so glad Jackson doesn’t attend daycare anymore.  We rarely leave the house and the places I go are majorly disinfected.  I pray everyone stays safe and healthy.  Let your OCD shine until the virus is no...

How are you doing today?  Well, I am barely keeping it together.  I continue to tell myself that my life could be worse, so I remain thankful for my blessings.  My Multiple Sclerosis started to relapse yesterday, and I don't know what to do to calm down my nerves. Does life ever hit you so hard that you start laughing like you just smoked a bowl of weed?  That is my life.  That is how I feel inside right now!  I don't know from one day to the next where I will be living, and it is starting to drive me a little crazy.  I have moved six times since April, and if I have to move again right now, I will put a tent in the woods.  I am to the point that I do not want to live with humans anymore! My Insurance representative came to access my health.  Months ago I had given her my book, so yesterday she told me what she thought.  She said, “You sure carry an enormous amount of anger inside of you.”  Then she brought up a part of Chapter ...

Today my youngest daughter, who is getting a divorce, decided to tell me that she is moving.  So in the next few months, my life is going to be changing again.  I thought she was happy here, but it turns out that she doesn’t want this house or anything to do with her soon to be ex-husband.  She says he is unpredictable and holds money over her head.  I don’t know where I will go or what I will do.  I love my children and grandchildren, but I think it might be time for momma to fly the coop.  My whole life has revolved around them since 1995.  I have my camper back, but I also have David to think about because he is in poor health.  I do not handle change, and my brain doesn’t process it like an average person.  My anxiety and panic hit me hard, and then I start to cry.  Everyone has their own life to live, so tomorrow I will get up and figure out mine.  I was going to let my P.O. Box go, but now I think I will keep it and get a stor...

This morning I woke up early to the ground covered in snow...then I crashed.  I barely remember eating the blt David picked up at the gas station.  I forgot my coffee, shower, medicine, as I went to sleep hard and fast.  I woke up around noon and watch the President’s Lawyers rock in the Senate!  Then the pain started, and I was in a rotten mood for the rest of the day.  I have managed to message with a few people, but I haven't left my pajamas.   Finally, this afternoon after jamming with my grandson, I read him a bedtime story.  Then we turned on Disney +, and he drifted off to sleep watching Lady & the Tramp.  I love you all and hope you have a good night.  -Tina P. S.  I just checked my email, and my Dermatologist at Vanderbilt wrote my prescription for Taltz.  For those who followed me before I went off all diets, supplements, and I stick strictly to what my doctors as a team prescribe me.  Due to kidney disease, I ...

I do believe I will be staying up here on the mountain.  We have a new nasty little virus showing up in the USA from China.  I have a terrible immune system, so I have to be careful.  I posted my first new Vlog this evening, so go check it out on YouTube.  Jackson also has a channel for kids called “Bedtime Story with Grandma & Jackson.”  He came back home today, and we have a new book to read tomorrow evening!   I love you all! Love~Laughter~Truth

I don’t mind the cold if we have snow.  This rain and gloom have me feeling very depressed, so I took this opportunity to turn on Fox News and recreate my 1990’s hairstyle.  Janna curled my hair, and David picked me up some hair spray down at the dollar general.  My little dog Hannah sat here watching me as I teased and sprayed.  I was also doing a TikTok Live, so I got a few laughs from my friends.  In the end, they all said I did a good job.  What do you think?  I need to lose more weight, get some sun and hair dye, but it felt good.  The memories of Ginger teasing my hair in 7th grade made me smile.  Those were the good ole days......

F**k ~ F**k ~F**k ~ OMG F**k!  Yes, that’s what I repeated over and over today in my head as Dr. Clark confirmed......stage three chronic kidney disease. Yesterday I got fantastic news.  No more brain lesions, but today I get knocked down again with the reality that MS continues to ravage my body.  Well, at least something is ravaging my body LMAO! I know I have a dark sense of humor, but it keeps me alive. I don’t use foul language, but let’s be honest!  When you have disabilities, and you’ve had them all your life, sometimes you want to say f**k!  My dad used curse words my entire life, and because of what I learned from the Bible, I always tried to refrain from using them.  However, today I feel that God probably gives us a free pass on the days we lose all sense of reality! So don’t judge me!  I am having a shitty moment, and I hope to be back to myself tomorrow! I’m tired of the medicine, and I’m tired of the doctors, I’m tired of it all!...

Good Morning Readers!  Yesterday we went to Dr. Gaw.  He is my neurologist, and he is now seeing David.  I did not have any new lesions on my brain, so I am no worse off. He told me to continue seeing the Urologist for the Kidney problems.  David signed medical releases, and Dr. Gaw ordered tons of tests and scans for him.   I think the doctor is unsure if all of the issues are strictly from the Lyme disease. The drive was beautiful this morning, and breakfast at the diner is always yummy!  I wrote my appointment time down wrong, so I am an hour early to my appointment in Jamestown.  It’s that time of the month again when we discuss my pain management.  It’s, and breakfast at the diner is always yummy! All I know is what works and what doesn't work to manage my pain so I can live a semi-healthy life. My Bonfire campaign ended last night.  I didn't sell any items other than to myself, but I had fun doing it. Honestly, I would rather hav...

I woke up this morning with nowhere to go, no one to call, and a quiet house.  It was snowing, and the coffee was terrific.  I watched a few new movies and spent so much time resting.  To me, resting is when you turn off the phone and disconnect from the world.  That is why I miss camping so much because you can experience total solitude while you’re in the mountains, and there’s no cell phone service!  I hope you get to experience this from time to time. I have a huge favor to ask.  The nominations opened today for the Iris Awards 2020.  Please go to  https://mom2.com/open-nominations/  and nominate your favorite online creator, artist, and writer. It is going to be 17 degrees tonight, so bundle up and keep warm.

Once upon a time, I would lie to protect my family and myself.  However, in 1998, I blocked out much of my childhood and started over.  Little by little, everything has been exposed then I wrote an autobiography.  I have nothing to hide, nor do I want fake people in my life who do shady things behind my back.  I share the good, bad, and ugly in my writings and videos.  It isn’t always pretty, but it is real.  Sometimes I keep very private personal matters to myself until I am prepared to discuss them, but I do not lie or make up lies on someone else. I believe talking is healing, but it needs to be with people who love you, not people who will make a mockery of your situation.  When it comes to opening your soul, please try to watch the company you are around when you decide to erupt.  Last night I was caught off guard and in a room full of children when a family member decided to tell some very personal news.  Had the setting been differen...

This morning I seen a Facebook post.  It says “To F*** someone over then treat them as though they hurt you has to be a form of mental illness”.  I have to agree 100%!  All of my life I have allowed people to do this to me.  They would do these horrific things and somehow blame me for their behavior!  I have recently learned this is ghost lighting.  Guess what?  I ain’t doing that anymore!  Last night I walked out of my sisters home after Ashley let loose with her mouth.  I will not put up with it anymore!  Go get help or take medication but the days of using me as a punching bag are OVER! I hope you all have a marvelous day!  It is nice here in Tennessee and I plan to rest my eyes and enjoy some coffee. This is a throwback photo taken the day my grandson Jackson was born.  He brought such joy to my life!

I swear I have too much of an emotional attachment to music.  Some songs make me cry.  Do any of you have that problem?  Omg here comes  the tears as Guns~N~Roses sing Patience.  I have always had a strong attachment to music.  As a child, my roots were in bluegrass, country, and southern rock.  In my teenage years, I fell in love with Paula Abdul's dance music, Hard Rock, and Metal.  Then in college, my admiration for Blues, Classical, and Orchestra music blossomed.  As a momma, Casting Crowns cultivated my love for Christian music.  I feel it so profoundly, and many songs can take me right back to a good or bad time within moments of coming on the radio.  I worked in my dad's music for ten years, so I met many musicians who introduced me to Blackgrass, Reggae, Folk, Rap, and Alternative.  Loretta Lynn, Otis Paula, and Metallica will always be my true favorites. Anyway, enough about me.  How is your day?  I am feel...

I never use the word hate, but today it was precisely the word I needed to make it clear to someone about my feelings towards a specific person.  After looking it up in Webster's, I feel it was adequate!  After a breakup there are seven levels of grief ~ (1) Desperate for Answers (2) Denial (3) Bargaining (4) Relapse (5) Anger (6) Initial Acceptance (7) Redirected Hope.  It can be even more painful if it was unexpected.  I have been through all of them!  It has been hard, but I am ok. I didn't die, and my life didn't end. I now have peace. I never want to talk to him or see him ever again.  I did nothing to deserve the way in which he handled the entire situation.  So yes, I hate him.  Do I wish him ill will?  No.  I figure God will handle it because God knows the heart.  You will be able to read all about it in my next book, so I don't want to give too much details on my blog.  In a nutshell I talked to him for almost two y...

Tonight I talked to myself.  I said,” self, why do you feel the way you do?”  Then I said,” self, we have to stop meeting like this because it's one o'clock in the morning”!  I laughed because regardless of the predicament I find myself in, sometimes I don't understand why I do the things I do. Have you ever had a random thought and wondered, “why did I think about that?.  I try to ignore my random thoughts and feelings, but sometimes they just come out when I least expect it. Example 1 ~ When I forget to take my medication, I feel everything.  The depression, sadness, and pain flood in, and all I can do is cry myself to sleep. Example 2 ~ I was watching season three of Anne with an E tonight, and it hit me.  I was crying and feeling very sad.  I should be happy because it was a beautiful ending. However, my mind was thinking about how they loved each other in their youth and found each other again. Right now, in my life, love songs and anythi...

Hello readers!  It is Wednesday, and I feel so much better today.  I am convinced that writing your feelings down helps you to heal.  Yesterday after a horrible night, I got up and got a few things done. I have discovered that I love the Rainbow Unicorn Bang drink too.  No sugar or preservatives!  Bang is a USA product. This morning I have been glued to Fox News and Twitter because I have to see for myself how ridiculous Nancy behaves on National television.  Seriously even if I weren’t Republican, I would NOT agree with the Democratic Party!  They have succumbed to madness.  I don’t agree with how either party has wasted the taxpayer's money over the years, and it is refreshing to see President Trump uncover the corruption in DC!  Women in America have opened their eyes to what Democrats want us to ignore!

At midnight everything hit me.  It hit hard — no rhyme or reason.  Jackson is asleep, and Alexandria is in bed sleeping, but one picture of my cat Tigger broke the flood gates.  I have been crying ever since.  I keep telling myself that I am in the right place, and I should forget about the past, but I feel it all tonight.  My dad's betrayal, the lies, and systematically one by one, my cats have disappeared off the porch over the last four months.  I had horrible thoughts and emotions of hate, and then what I thought was gone hit me super hard when I saw the picture! It played over and over again in my head, I feel hurt, used, abandoned, betrayed, forgotten, and of course, rage!  Yes, I said I hate my dad over and over again in my head.  In mere seconds I hurt because he didn't protect me as a kid.  He didn't protect the family.  Most of all, I hated all the lies he told!  Then I felt the rage from Chad, Brian, David, and Josh! ...

I haven’t worked since the close of the music stores.  Back then, I only worked part-time, but still, it helped bring in groceries.  Our daughter took me in without question, but it has always been difficult financially.  Today the insurance company reimbursed us for the camper damage, and it felt like Christmas. We were able to pay some bills and buy some much-needed items that we have put on the back burner. The lessons I learned from this situation we're priceless!  Family can only make it if they stick together, and God will provide!  I come from a family with a history of overwhelming worry.  They seem to have one tragedy after the other, which made my anxiety horrific.  Little by little, God has shown me that he will take care of me.  What doesn't kill me gives me the hindsight to avoid traps!  I also learned that not everyone who claims to love you loves you, and those who love you might hurt you, but they desire your forgiveness. ...

Today was just not my day.  Nothing I did could wake me up, NOT EVEN COFFEE! I slept all day, so grandpa watched Jackson all day with no help from grandma!  I have to say I am super proud, and they must have hit boredom because they organized and cleaned Jackson’s bedroom.  Let me tell you that is no easy task. I did get up for lunch because I will never turn down Grandpa’s homemade pancakes and bacon.  The MS fog lifted around 5 pm, and I was able to get up and eat.  Grandpa continues to outdo himself with the fried chicken!  Then Jackson and I recorded our nightly storytime, and I upload the video to Facebook for the family.  My TikTok family has surpassed 1000.  I never thought I would know 1000 people, but I see their faces and bam I know who they are by name, but it’s usually only by their quirky usernames.  I love each one of them and the positivity & laughter they feed into the online universe!  Well, I am going to hit the...

At the moment, we are monitoring the weather here in Tennessee.  The storms are still a few hours away, but the winds are already nasty.  Jessica is still at Vanderbilt with Chloe.  Her surgery went okay, but she is now having trouble breathing.  Please keep the prayers coming. In my book, I told you that I try to keep my political opinions on Twitter, but I can’t hide my frustrations with Nancy and the Democratic Party.  I look around in my rural community, and I see so many problems, but the two worst are healthcare to homelessness.  The poorest American Citizens get ignored, and the veterans get treated poorly by their communities.  The government continues to ignore Mental health issues, so suicide is on the rise.  Many children continue to grow up without proper nutrition.  Nancy is so obsessed with impeachment that she can’t seem to take care of her people. We rented the new Rambo movie, and we have been playing with our grandson. ...

I am loving the Vanderbilt app.  I get notified every time new test results come in from the lab work I did December 31, 2019.  So far, everything has been perfect except for my kidneys.  They should call me any day now to verify my address for the delivery of the new medication called “Cosentyx.”  I pray that this will heal my body from Hidradenitis Suppurativa. I am not as self-conscious about my body as I use to be, but I took a hard dip in depression five months ago, and it has taken time to recover.  Don’t ever let anyone judge you based on your body or your disabilities.  They knew what they were walking into, so if they don’t love you for who you are, then WALK AWAY!  You deserve real love based on who you are as a person!  If your love for the person blinds you, then I promise you that once you step away, you will open your eyes! On to something positive...I had a fantastic day doing TikTok videos with my sister and friends. Then we w...

I am struggling tonight, so this post is going to be random and a little crazy.   I feel so sad and tired.  All I ever wanted was the truth about the past and an apology.  I thought my story might help someone and maybe make some money so I could leave my children and grandchildren something.  All of my adult life, I have been scared of dying because I would leave my children and family with nothing but a funeral bill.  I lay here with tears going down my face because I wasted so much time worrying about my dad and that business that I missed out on precious time with my children. My autobiography is the only thing I have left to give.  It is my truth, my pain, and my legacy.  Sometimes I feel like such a failure because I didn’t do anything with my life, but at the same time, I have three beautiful children who have good hearts.  Maybe I did do something?  My grandson is sleeping next to me, and I worry that he is too close to me, and it w...

Depression has been on my mind all week.  So many people are facing tragedy every day because of the bullying happening online.  Please be mindful of what you say to a person because everything isn’t a joke.  I love you all!  I want you to know you are valuable, and you deserve to live!  My message is love, laughter, and truth.  I feel survivors need those three things in our lives to heal from the trauma we lived through. I posted about my Bonfire Campaign yesterday, and I have added Hoodies and a coffee cup.  Also, my autobiography is on Amazon.  I will post the links below. https://www.bonfire.com/sitting-in-my-chair-2/ https://www.bonfire.com/sitting-in-my-chair/ https://www.bonfire.com/sitting-in-my-chair-1/ https://www.bonfire.com/ms-aware/

Good afternoon readers!  Not many people know that my sister is also my caregiver.  She has been helping me since late August 2018.  She comes to my home a few hours each day and helps me with meals, doctor appointments, errands, and chores.  She also keeps me steady when my legs don’t work. I don't know what I would do without her love and support.  My memory can be sharp one minute, and the next, I forget the simplest things.  Multiple Sclerosis is so unpredictable. Oh, I just remembered I would be taking Cosentyx injection to treat the Hidradenitis Suppurativa.  The doctor said I would get a call from her office once all the lab work comes back, and my insurance approves the medication. Well, today is a Copaxone shot day, so I am going to rest.  I am trying to keep a positive attitude.  My little grandson has a love for ice water, so if he notices I am without water, he puts a bottle in my face lol.  It is downright adorable. ...

I stepped out of my comfort zone this morning and launched an official merchandise campaign for Sitting In My Chair. It will be live for the next 15 days! Get yours by visiting  https://www.bonfire.com/sitting-in-my-chair/

Good evening readers!  I had a slow start this morning.  My legs hurt from the Multiple Sclerosis, and I have new open wounds from the Hidradenitis Suppurativa. Today I had no choice but to start the morning pain management.  I hate feeling groggy, but it’s better than lying in bed, crying.  While in the restroom, braiding my hair, I encouraged myself to sit in the living room.  I did my makeup and talked to Alexandria while she got ready for work.  I had my berries and bagel for breakfast, with coffee and ice water. Austin brought Kai to visit us today, so we went outside and watched the boys play on the Jeep and Tractor.  Watching them play together fills me with so much joy.  The rest of the day was pleasant and quiet.  Overall I am going to say this was a beautiful day! I continue to enjoy making videos to encourage love, peace, and awareness.  I choose to avoid news reports today.  The ignorance is running wild in DC. L...

Grandpa made me the tastiest French toast today.  I am thankful that he is feeling good today.  It is rare that he feels good.  Lyme Disease is hard on a person!

Good Sunday Morning!  It seems the news outlets believe we are going to war.  Personally, I think the President is doing his job.  I am not fearful because there is absolutely nothing anyone can do to stop the Bible from unfolding. You might disagree, but you have to admit in the last three years the world has faced some major catastrophic events.  The entire continent of Australia is on fire, and many are facing major flooding in Indonesia. I promise my second book is coming in 2020.  Living with Multiple Sclerosis and Hidradenitis Suppurativa brings new challenges every day. Still, I keep moving forward no matter the obstacles I face! Much Love, Tina The Second to Timothy 3:  so that the man of God may be fully competent, completely equipped for every good work.

Good Morning Readers!  It is raining ice outside here today.  My daughter isn’t due until June 2020, but her OCD has her nesting every day.  I never have to worry about living in dirty conditions or becoming a hoarder in my old age!  She will make sure I have a safe and clean environment.  David is almost just as bad, but he has mellowed in his old age. My grandson is enjoying Disney Plus, and I love watching his face with all the old movies.  My feet are not working well today, but I did manage a 20 minute trip to the Dollar store.  I got all the household stuff for the month plus a few extras for $105.  #lovecoupons, I am just keeping low and trying to stay out of the way.  Two of my children are going through a divorce, and the other one is on the verge of a breakdown. It is so hard to keep my mouth shut because they are so young and think they know everything! They might have down the basics, but they seriously lack long term simple ...

Does anyone else hate change even when you’re happy about the change? I’m trying to sit here and not let my anxiety explode because I’m pleased to be moving bedrooms again.  I will have more space.  Why do I get like this anytime something changes?  As a child, I had a blanket that my mom gave me that used to belong to my parents.  I used it until it had holes in it because I grew such an attachment to the fact that it used to belong to my mom and dad.  My daughter is the complete opposite because she does not hold a devotion to much of anything, so we butt heads when it comes to my desire to keep everything my grandma owned.  I have given so much away over the years, donated things, and had yard sales that I feel like I don’t have much left, and what I do have means something. Enough about me.  If you're struggling with change, know that you're not alone. I have come up with a few tricks to help me.  Go to YouTube and watch a few episodes of...

My first thought today is to ask you to promise me that if you ever feel like you want to take your life that you will call 911! We had a friend take his life this week, and I’m lost for words because I had no idea that he was a victim of cyberbullying.  I’m a strong advocate against bullying!  I also know that many of us struggle each day, just trying to make it through!  Please remove people from your life who can take your joy!  I know it’s hard because I have walked away from family and friends. Just remember that your mental health is more important than their drama, so don’t let them come into your life if possible!  The block and delete button have saved me so much grief over the last few months because sometimes you have to take a time out away from people.  To those that bully, you need to understand that I know you have something going on inside of you that is ugly, so please seek help before you destroy another human being.  They’re not ...

Happy New Year!  It is here!  2020 and I can’t sleep.  I had a fantastic appointment with Doctor Miller, but I got terrible news from my lab work.  It looks like I am having kidney issues.  By this afternoon, my legs were shaking, and I was in tears thinking about the past year! Then, I remembered I needed to take my shot and daily medication.  Everything came to a head today.  The rolling thoughts and anxiety are so painful.   I have to treat physical pain and depression.  If I don’t, then I get seriously suicidal to the point I feel unworthy of living anymore. The flu hit our family a week ago, and I pray it’s over soon.  We had Jackson at the ER tonight, which breaks my heart to see him sick. Much Love - Tina Here is my picture from 2019.