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Melt Down

At midnight everything hit me.  It hit hard — no rhyme or reason.  Jackson is asleep, and Alexandria is in bed sleeping, but one picture of my cat Tigger broke the flood gates.  I have been crying ever since.  I keep telling myself that I am in the right place, and I should forget about the past, but I feel it all tonight.  My dad's betrayal, the lies, and systematically one by one, my cats have disappeared off the porch over the last four months.  I had horrible thoughts and emotions of hate, and then what I thought was gone hit me super hard when I saw the picture!

It played over and over again in my head, I feel hurt, used, abandoned, betrayed, forgotten, and of course, rage!  Yes, I said I hate my dad over and over again in my head.  In mere seconds I hurt because he didn't protect me as a kid.  He didn't protect the family.  Most of all, I hated all the lies he told!  Then I felt the rage from Chad, Brian, David, and Josh!  The betrayals, one by one, popped into my mind.  The thoughts of their lies and deception over the years took my breath.  Most of all, I hate losing my cat trigger!

I don’t want to end up being a bitter older woman.  I stay to myself and mind my business, so why?  I don’t hurt people or maliciously cause them pain!  I love people.  All I ever wanted was for someone to love me.  I know...I know my kids and grandchildren love me, my aunts and uncles love me, my mom loves me, and my sister loves me, my nieces love me, my nephews love me, my cousins love me, and even a few friends love me, but right now, I feel so alone!  I don’t want to feel this way!  I want to be happy.  I

When will this pain stop?


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We have to stop meeting like this....

Tonight I talked to myself.  I said,” self, why do you feel the way you do?”  Then I said,” self, we have to stop meeting like this because it's one o'clock in the morning”!  I laughed because regardless of the predicament I find myself in, sometimes I don't understand why I do the things I do. Have you ever had a random thought and wondered, “why did I think about that?.  I try to ignore my random thoughts and feelings, but sometimes they just come out when I least expect it. Example 1 ~ When I forget to take my medication, I feel everything.  The depression, sadness, and pain flood in, and all I can do is cry myself to sleep. Example 2 ~ I was watching season three of Anne with an E tonight, and it hit me.  I was crying and feeling very sad.  I should be happy because it was a beautiful ending. However, my mind was thinking about how they loved each other in their youth and found each other again. Right now, in my life, love songs and anything sappy makes me cry.

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Beauty in the chaos

Early voting started Friday, so I went to town and voted in the States Primary.  It was a peaceful drive, and then Friday night, we watched the movie 2012. There are so many theories and conspiracies floating around online that the movie made me think about all of them. My thoughts quickly turn to religion and how none of us know when our lives will end. Humanity has gotten it wrong, so many times, and religious leaders continue to attempt to guess, but even the Bible says no one knows. One thing that I know for sure is the earth is a breathtaking place, and I continue to find small glimpses of its beauty amidst the chaos.  Just yesterday, we went to Fall Creek Falls State Park, and I took a dip in the cold water. Families and children were everywhere, laughing and playing.  You would never think that the USA is in an uproar. I saw no signs of social distancing or a pandemic.  I didn't see any mask.  Men were walking their dogs, and the beautiful smells of wood burning flo