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Melt Down

At midnight everything hit me.  It hit hard — no rhyme or reason.  Jackson is asleep, and Alexandria is in bed sleeping, but one picture of my cat Tigger broke the flood gates.  I have been crying ever since.  I keep telling myself that I am in the right place, and I should forget about the past, but I feel it all tonight.  My dad's betrayal, the lies, and systematically one by one, my cats have disappeared off the porch over the last four months.  I had horrible thoughts and emotions of hate, and then what I thought was gone hit me super hard when I saw the picture!

It played over and over again in my head, I feel hurt, used, abandoned, betrayed, forgotten, and of course, rage!  Yes, I said I hate my dad over and over again in my head.  In mere seconds I hurt because he didn't protect me as a kid.  He didn't protect the family.  Most of all, I hated all the lies he told!  Then I felt the rage from Chad, Brian, David, and Josh!  The betrayals, one by one, popped into my mind.  The thoughts of their lies and deception over the years took my breath.  Most of all, I hate losing my cat trigger!

I don’t want to end up being a bitter older woman.  I stay to myself and mind my business, so why?  I don’t hurt people or maliciously cause them pain!  I love people.  All I ever wanted was for someone to love me.  I know...I know my kids and grandchildren love me, my aunts and uncles love me, my mom loves me, and my sister loves me, my nieces love me, my nephews love me, my cousins love me, and even a few friends love me, but right now, I feel so alone!  I don’t want to feel this way!  I want to be happy.  I

When will this pain stop?


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