I never use the word hate, but today it was precisely the word I needed to make it clear to someone about my feelings towards a specific person. After looking it up in Webster's, I feel it was adequate! After a breakup there are seven levels of grief ~ (1) Desperate for Answers (2) Denial (3) Bargaining (4) Relapse (5) Anger (6) Initial Acceptance (7) Redirected Hope. It can be even more painful if it was unexpected. I have been through all of them! It has been hard, but I am ok. I didn't die, and my life didn't end. I now have peace. I never want to talk to him or see him ever again. I did nothing to deserve the way in which he handled the entire situation. So yes, I hate him. Do I wish him ill will? No. I figure God will handle it because God knows the heart. You will be able to read all about it in my next book, so I don't want to give too much details on my blog. In a nutshell I talked to him for almost two years, and then we had a private moment and he instantly regretted it. I responded completely different than I thought I would. Then a few days later he told me he loved me and then a few weeks later he left me.
Tonight I talked to myself. I said,” self, why do you feel the way you do?” Then I said,” self, we have to stop meeting like this because it's one o'clock in the morning”! I laughed because regardless of the predicament I find myself in, sometimes I don't understand why I do the things I do. Have you ever had a random thought and wondered, “why did I think about that?. I try to ignore my random thoughts and feelings, but sometimes they just come out when I least expect it. Example 1 ~ When I forget to take my medication, I feel everything. The depression, sadness, and pain flood in, and all I can do is cry myself to sleep. Example 2 ~ I was watching season three of Anne with an E tonight, and it hit me. I was crying and feeling very sad. I should be happy because it was a beautiful ending. However, my mind was thinking about how they loved each other in their youth and found each other again. Right now, in my life, love songs and anything sappy makes me cry.