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Daily Chatter 01/29/2020

How are you doing today?  Well, I am barely keeping it together.  I continue to tell myself that my life could be worse, so I remain thankful for my blessings.  My Multiple Sclerosis started to relapse yesterday, and I don't know what to do to calm down my nerves.

Does life ever hit you so hard that you start laughing like you just smoked a bowl of weed?  That is my life.  That is how I feel inside right now!  I don't know from one day to the next where I will be living, and it is starting to drive me a little crazy.  I have moved six times since April, and if I have to move again right now, I will put a tent in the woods.  I am to the point that I do not want to live with humans anymore!

My Insurance representative came to access my health.  Months ago I had given her my book, so yesterday she told me what she thought.  She said, “You sure carry an enormous amount of anger inside of you.”  Then she brought up a part of Chapter one, and when I explained, she informed me that she had not read the entire book.  I just rolled my eyes and redirected the conversation.  I hate fake people who eat you up to your face but never follow through on their promises.

This evening I got into a disagreement with David because someone is hovering around me all the time.  I have no time to write or be creative, so I give up.  He, in turn, got mad and stormed out of the room.  Everyone needs time to be alone and reflect and create.

I am trying to bury the past and make a new life here, but honestly, I don't know if I ever will.

Today a dear friend of mine, Michael Prater, messaged me while he was waiting for my son to open the music store so he could buy some guitar strings.  Then he sent me this beautiful photo of his guitar.  We ended up talking for hours about life, kids, and music.  He has always been someone I could talk to no matter what was going on in my life.  I truly cherish our friendship.

Gibson sure made some beautiful instruments.

Love~Laughter~Truth

Tina


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We have to stop meeting like this....

Tonight I talked to myself.  I said,” self, why do you feel the way you do?”  Then I said,” self, we have to stop meeting like this because it's one o'clock in the morning”!  I laughed because regardless of the predicament I find myself in, sometimes I don't understand why I do the things I do. Have you ever had a random thought and wondered, “why did I think about that?.  I try to ignore my random thoughts and feelings, but sometimes they just come out when I least expect it. Example 1 ~ When I forget to take my medication, I feel everything.  The depression, sadness, and pain flood in, and all I can do is cry myself to sleep. Example 2 ~ I was watching season three of Anne with an E tonight, and it hit me.  I was crying and feeling very sad.  I should be happy because it was a beautiful ending. However, my mind was thinking about how they loved each other in their youth and found each other again. Right now, in my life, love songs and anything sappy makes me cry.

Beauty in the chaos

Early voting started Friday, so I went to town and voted in the States Primary.  It was a peaceful drive, and then Friday night, we watched the movie 2012. There are so many theories and conspiracies floating around online that the movie made me think about all of them. My thoughts quickly turn to religion and how none of us know when our lives will end. Humanity has gotten it wrong, so many times, and religious leaders continue to attempt to guess, but even the Bible says no one knows. One thing that I know for sure is the earth is a breathtaking place, and I continue to find small glimpses of its beauty amidst the chaos.  Just yesterday, we went to Fall Creek Falls State Park, and I took a dip in the cold water. Families and children were everywhere, laughing and playing.  You would never think that the USA is in an uproar. I saw no signs of social distancing or a pandemic.  I didn't see any mask.  Men were walking their dogs, and the beautiful smells of wood burning flo

My Reality

TennCare called today and requested a new PAE, and it got me to thinking about my daily needs. On social media, I tend to be very positive and encouraging or funny because I know how depressing being disabled can be, especially during the quarantine. I wonder if people see my social media and get the wrong impression of my reality?  Do they know that I published my autobiography and assume that I make money from book sales?  Do they see the videos I post, and assume that I don’t need help with everyday life? The cold hard truth is I need help every day with everything I do! I have grown used to people assuming things because I am capable of putting on a smile at a moment's notice.  As a trauma survivor, the ability to put on a fake smile becomes apart of your personality.  As a mother who had to fight to keep her daughter, I learned to shut my mouth and obey the system. I want to use this blog to make it clear that I need help with the necessary daily tasks.  I forget to ea