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Winds of Anxiety

Today my youngest daughter, who is getting a divorce, decided to tell me that she is moving.  So in the next few months, my life is going to be changing again.  I thought she was happy here, but it turns out that she doesn’t want this house or anything to do with her soon to be ex-husband.  She says he is unpredictable and holds money over her head.  I don’t know where I will go or what I will do.  I love my children and grandchildren, but I think it might be time for momma to fly the coop.  My whole life has revolved around them since 1995.  I have my camper back, but I also have David to think about because he is in poor health.  I do not handle change, and my brain doesn’t process it like an average person.  My anxiety and panic hit me hard, and then I start to cry.  Everyone has their own life to live, so tomorrow I will get up and figure out mine.  I was going to let my P.O. Box go, but now I think I will keep it and get a storage building.  I am frightened about my future.

On a positive note, I got to meet Austin's new girlfriend, and she brought me flowers last night when they came for dinner. It was a lovely evening.


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We have to stop meeting like this....

Tonight I talked to myself.  I said,” self, why do you feel the way you do?”  Then I said,” self, we have to stop meeting like this because it's one o'clock in the morning”!  I laughed because regardless of the predicament I find myself in, sometimes I don't understand why I do the things I do. Have you ever had a random thought and wondered, “why did I think about that?.  I try to ignore my random thoughts and feelings, but sometimes they just come out when I least expect it. Example 1 ~ When I forget to take my medication, I feel everything.  The depression, sadness, and pain flood in, and all I can do is cry myself to sleep. Example 2 ~ I was watching season three of Anne with an E tonight, and it hit me.  I was crying and feeling very sad.  I should be happy because it was a beautiful ending. However, my mind was thinking about how they loved each other in their youth and found each other again. Right now, in my life, love songs and anything sappy makes me cry.

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Beauty in the chaos

Early voting started Friday, so I went to town and voted in the States Primary.  It was a peaceful drive, and then Friday night, we watched the movie 2012. There are so many theories and conspiracies floating around online that the movie made me think about all of them. My thoughts quickly turn to religion and how none of us know when our lives will end. Humanity has gotten it wrong, so many times, and religious leaders continue to attempt to guess, but even the Bible says no one knows. One thing that I know for sure is the earth is a breathtaking place, and I continue to find small glimpses of its beauty amidst the chaos.  Just yesterday, we went to Fall Creek Falls State Park, and I took a dip in the cold water. Families and children were everywhere, laughing and playing.  You would never think that the USA is in an uproar. I saw no signs of social distancing or a pandemic.  I didn't see any mask.  Men were walking their dogs, and the beautiful smells of wood burning flo