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Adults Only. Sensitive Subject. Bad Day.

F**k ~ F**k ~F**k ~ OMG F**k!  Yes, that’s what I repeated over and over today in my head as Dr. Clark confirmed......stage three chronic kidney disease.

Yesterday I got fantastic news.  No more brain lesions, but today I get knocked down again with the reality that MS continues to ravage my body.  Well, at least something is ravaging my body LMAO! I know I have a dark sense of humor, but it keeps me alive.

I don’t use foul language, but let’s be honest!  When you have disabilities, and you’ve had them all your life, sometimes you want to say f**k!  My dad used curse words my entire life, and because of what I learned from the Bible, I always tried to refrain from using them.  However, today I feel that God probably gives us a free pass on the days we lose all sense of reality!

So don’t judge me!  I am having a shitty moment, and I hope to be back to myself tomorrow!

I’m tired of the medicine, and I’m tired of the doctors, I’m tired of it all!  I’m also tired of one thing making something else worse!

On top of that, now I have to have what’s in the picture below at home because I might overdose!

I love you all!



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We have to stop meeting like this....

Tonight I talked to myself.  I said,” self, why do you feel the way you do?”  Then I said,” self, we have to stop meeting like this because it's one o'clock in the morning”!  I laughed because regardless of the predicament I find myself in, sometimes I don't understand why I do the things I do. Have you ever had a random thought and wondered, “why did I think about that?.  I try to ignore my random thoughts and feelings, but sometimes they just come out when I least expect it. Example 1 ~ When I forget to take my medication, I feel everything.  The depression, sadness, and pain flood in, and all I can do is cry myself to sleep. Example 2 ~ I was watching season three of Anne with an E tonight, and it hit me.  I was crying and feeling very sad.  I should be happy because it was a beautiful ending. However, my mind was thinking about how they loved each other in their youth and found each other again. Right now, in my life, love songs and anything sappy makes me cry.

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Beauty in the chaos

Early voting started Friday, so I went to town and voted in the States Primary.  It was a peaceful drive, and then Friday night, we watched the movie 2012. There are so many theories and conspiracies floating around online that the movie made me think about all of them. My thoughts quickly turn to religion and how none of us know when our lives will end. Humanity has gotten it wrong, so many times, and religious leaders continue to attempt to guess, but even the Bible says no one knows. One thing that I know for sure is the earth is a breathtaking place, and I continue to find small glimpses of its beauty amidst the chaos.  Just yesterday, we went to Fall Creek Falls State Park, and I took a dip in the cold water. Families and children were everywhere, laughing and playing.  You would never think that the USA is in an uproar. I saw no signs of social distancing or a pandemic.  I didn't see any mask.  Men were walking their dogs, and the beautiful smells of wood burning flo