I am struggling tonight, so this post is going to be random and a little crazy. I feel so sad and tired. All I ever wanted was the truth about the past and an apology. I thought my story might help someone and maybe make some money so I could leave my children and grandchildren something. All of my adult life, I have been scared of dying because I would leave my children and family with nothing but a funeral bill. I lay here with tears going down my face because I wasted so much time worrying about my dad and that business that I missed out on precious time with my children.
My autobiography is the only thing I have left to give. It is my truth, my pain, and my legacy. Sometimes I feel like such a failure because I didn’t do anything with my life, but at the same time, I have three beautiful children who have good hearts. Maybe I did do something? My grandson is sleeping next to me, and I worry that he is too close to me, and it will hurt him when I die. I keep hoping someone will take my story and run with it because I do not have the money to promote it the way prominent authors do. All I ever dreamed of was to help people and not leave my family with nothing. I now have life insurance, and I am grateful for my life, but I battle the demons of chronic illness every day. People tell me not to worry, but I worry all the time about everything. If I could shut it off, I would. It is sometimes horrifying to have such anxiety and panic.
Having painful anxiety only adds to my suffering. My son tells me not to worry, but two of my children are getting a divorce, and I know what divorce can do to a person. Only a hand full of friends out of the 100 free books that I sent gave me feedback about my writing. It hasn’t felt like an accomplishment but more of another failure. Abraham is now missing, so I have lost three cats since April. I don’t think it has even hit me that Tigger is gone. The medication shuts out most of my emotions, so I don’t just sit and cry. Tonight has been hard. I was watching an episode of Anne with an E and bam I went into tears. By the way, when I die, I want to be cremated, and please give my ashes to my children. They know my favorite places to go. I hate graveyards and have always seen them as a waste of good land. You might think that it is morbid, but I have held this belief since I was a teenager. Anyway, I am going to try to sleep now. I know the sun will come out tomorrow and it's a new day!
Love you, and thank you for following my journey. ~Tina
Throwback Thursday- 1st Selfie 2007
My autobiography is the only thing I have left to give. It is my truth, my pain, and my legacy. Sometimes I feel like such a failure because I didn’t do anything with my life, but at the same time, I have three beautiful children who have good hearts. Maybe I did do something? My grandson is sleeping next to me, and I worry that he is too close to me, and it will hurt him when I die. I keep hoping someone will take my story and run with it because I do not have the money to promote it the way prominent authors do. All I ever dreamed of was to help people and not leave my family with nothing. I now have life insurance, and I am grateful for my life, but I battle the demons of chronic illness every day. People tell me not to worry, but I worry all the time about everything. If I could shut it off, I would. It is sometimes horrifying to have such anxiety and panic.
Having painful anxiety only adds to my suffering. My son tells me not to worry, but two of my children are getting a divorce, and I know what divorce can do to a person. Only a hand full of friends out of the 100 free books that I sent gave me feedback about my writing. It hasn’t felt like an accomplishment but more of another failure. Abraham is now missing, so I have lost three cats since April. I don’t think it has even hit me that Tigger is gone. The medication shuts out most of my emotions, so I don’t just sit and cry. Tonight has been hard. I was watching an episode of Anne with an E and bam I went into tears. By the way, when I die, I want to be cremated, and please give my ashes to my children. They know my favorite places to go. I hate graveyards and have always seen them as a waste of good land. You might think that it is morbid, but I have held this belief since I was a teenager. Anyway, I am going to try to sleep now. I know the sun will come out tomorrow and it's a new day!
Love you, and thank you for following my journey. ~Tina
Throwback Thursday- 1st Selfie 2007
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