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Struggling

I am struggling tonight, so this post is going to be random and a little crazy.   I feel so sad and tired.  All I ever wanted was the truth about the past and an apology.  I thought my story might help someone and maybe make some money so I could leave my children and grandchildren something.  All of my adult life, I have been scared of dying because I would leave my children and family with nothing but a funeral bill.  I lay here with tears going down my face because I wasted so much time worrying about my dad and that business that I missed out on precious time with my children.

My autobiography is the only thing I have left to give.  It is my truth, my pain, and my legacy.  Sometimes I feel like such a failure because I didn’t do anything with my life, but at the same time, I have three beautiful children who have good hearts.  Maybe I did do something?  My grandson is sleeping next to me, and I worry that he is too close to me, and it will hurt him when I die.  I keep hoping someone will take my story and run with it because I do not have the money to promote it the way prominent authors do.  All I ever dreamed of was to help people and not leave my family with nothing.   I now have life insurance, and I am grateful for my life, but I battle the demons of chronic illness every day.  People tell me not to worry, but I worry all the time about everything.  If I could shut it off, I would.  It is sometimes horrifying to have such anxiety and panic.

Having painful anxiety only adds to my suffering.  My son tells me not to worry, but two of my children are getting a divorce, and I know what divorce can do to a person.  Only a hand full of friends out of the 100 free books that I sent gave me feedback about my writing.  It hasn’t felt like an accomplishment but more of another failure.  Abraham is now missing, so I have lost three cats since April.  I don’t think it has even hit me that Tigger is gone.  The medication shuts out most of my emotions, so I don’t just sit and cry.  Tonight has been hard.  I was watching an episode of Anne with an E and bam I went into tears.  By the way, when I die, I want to be cremated, and please give my ashes to my children.  They know my favorite places to go.  I hate graveyards and have always seen them as a waste of good land.  You might think that it is morbid, but I have held this belief since I was a teenager.  Anyway, I am going to try to sleep now.  I know the sun will come out tomorrow and it's a new day!

Love you, and thank you for following my journey.  ~Tina

Throwback Thursday- 1st Selfie 2007




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We have to stop meeting like this....

Tonight I talked to myself.  I said,” self, why do you feel the way you do?”  Then I said,” self, we have to stop meeting like this because it's one o'clock in the morning”!  I laughed because regardless of the predicament I find myself in, sometimes I don't understand why I do the things I do. Have you ever had a random thought and wondered, “why did I think about that?.  I try to ignore my random thoughts and feelings, but sometimes they just come out when I least expect it. Example 1 ~ When I forget to take my medication, I feel everything.  The depression, sadness, and pain flood in, and all I can do is cry myself to sleep. Example 2 ~ I was watching season three of Anne with an E tonight, and it hit me.  I was crying and feeling very sad.  I should be happy because it was a beautiful ending. However, my mind was thinking about how they loved each other in their youth and found each other again. Right now, in my life, love songs and anything sappy makes me cry.

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