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Struggling

I am struggling tonight, so this post is going to be random and a little crazy.   I feel so sad and tired.  All I ever wanted was the truth about the past and an apology.  I thought my story might help someone and maybe make some money so I could leave my children and grandchildren something.  All of my adult life, I have been scared of dying because I would leave my children and family with nothing but a funeral bill.  I lay here with tears going down my face because I wasted so much time worrying about my dad and that business that I missed out on precious time with my children.

My autobiography is the only thing I have left to give.  It is my truth, my pain, and my legacy.  Sometimes I feel like such a failure because I didn’t do anything with my life, but at the same time, I have three beautiful children who have good hearts.  Maybe I did do something?  My grandson is sleeping next to me, and I worry that he is too close to me, and it will hurt him when I die.  I keep hoping someone will take my story and run with it because I do not have the money to promote it the way prominent authors do.  All I ever dreamed of was to help people and not leave my family with nothing.   I now have life insurance, and I am grateful for my life, but I battle the demons of chronic illness every day.  People tell me not to worry, but I worry all the time about everything.  If I could shut it off, I would.  It is sometimes horrifying to have such anxiety and panic.

Having painful anxiety only adds to my suffering.  My son tells me not to worry, but two of my children are getting a divorce, and I know what divorce can do to a person.  Only a hand full of friends out of the 100 free books that I sent gave me feedback about my writing.  It hasn’t felt like an accomplishment but more of another failure.  Abraham is now missing, so I have lost three cats since April.  I don’t think it has even hit me that Tigger is gone.  The medication shuts out most of my emotions, so I don’t just sit and cry.  Tonight has been hard.  I was watching an episode of Anne with an E and bam I went into tears.  By the way, when I die, I want to be cremated, and please give my ashes to my children.  They know my favorite places to go.  I hate graveyards and have always seen them as a waste of good land.  You might think that it is morbid, but I have held this belief since I was a teenager.  Anyway, I am going to try to sleep now.  I know the sun will come out tomorrow and it's a new day!

Love you, and thank you for following my journey.  ~Tina

Throwback Thursday- 1st Selfie 2007




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