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Ups & Downs


This morning I woke up early to the ground covered in snow...then I crashed.  I barely remember eating the blt David picked up at the gas station.  I forgot my coffee, shower, medicine, as I went to sleep hard and fast.  I woke up around noon and watch the President’s Lawyers rock in the Senate!  Then the pain started, and I was in a rotten mood for the rest of the day.  I have managed to message with a few people, but I haven't left my pajamas.   Finally, this afternoon after jamming with my grandson, I read him a bedtime story.  Then we turned on Disney +, and he drifted off to sleep watching Lady & the Tramp.  I love you all and hope you have a good night.  -Tina

P. S.  I just checked my email, and my Dermatologist at Vanderbilt wrote my prescription for Taltz.  For those who followed me before I went off all diets, supplements, and I stick strictly to what my doctors as a team prescribe me.  Due to kidney disease, I only have seven active prescriptions.  I am still losing weight with a healthy diet and zero exercises.  My movement is typical daily tasks, and they are limited.  I occasionally dance, but I am careful.  I want to get better, not worse.  I know my depression is to blame for some of it, but I don’t get hungry very often.  My grandson eats healthy and prefers fruits, nuts, vegetables, chicken, and grains.  Other than organic milk, he doesn’t drink much except ice water and Gatorade.


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We have to stop meeting like this....

Tonight I talked to myself.  I said,” self, why do you feel the way you do?”  Then I said,” self, we have to stop meeting like this because it's one o'clock in the morning”!  I laughed because regardless of the predicament I find myself in, sometimes I don't understand why I do the things I do. Have you ever had a random thought and wondered, “why did I think about that?.  I try to ignore my random thoughts and feelings, but sometimes they just come out when I least expect it. Example 1 ~ When I forget to take my medication, I feel everything.  The depression, sadness, and pain flood in, and all I can do is cry myself to sleep. Example 2 ~ I was watching season three of Anne with an E tonight, and it hit me.  I was crying and feeling very sad.  I should be happy because it was a beautiful ending. However, my mind was thinking about how they loved each other in their youth and found each other again. Right now, in my life, love songs and anything sappy makes me cry.

Beauty in the chaos

Early voting started Friday, so I went to town and voted in the States Primary.  It was a peaceful drive, and then Friday night, we watched the movie 2012. There are so many theories and conspiracies floating around online that the movie made me think about all of them. My thoughts quickly turn to religion and how none of us know when our lives will end. Humanity has gotten it wrong, so many times, and religious leaders continue to attempt to guess, but even the Bible says no one knows. One thing that I know for sure is the earth is a breathtaking place, and I continue to find small glimpses of its beauty amidst the chaos.  Just yesterday, we went to Fall Creek Falls State Park, and I took a dip in the cold water. Families and children were everywhere, laughing and playing.  You would never think that the USA is in an uproar. I saw no signs of social distancing or a pandemic.  I didn't see any mask.  Men were walking their dogs, and the beautiful smells of wood burning flo

My Reality

TennCare called today and requested a new PAE, and it got me to thinking about my daily needs. On social media, I tend to be very positive and encouraging or funny because I know how depressing being disabled can be, especially during the quarantine. I wonder if people see my social media and get the wrong impression of my reality?  Do they know that I published my autobiography and assume that I make money from book sales?  Do they see the videos I post, and assume that I don’t need help with everyday life? The cold hard truth is I need help every day with everything I do! I have grown used to people assuming things because I am capable of putting on a smile at a moment's notice.  As a trauma survivor, the ability to put on a fake smile becomes apart of your personality.  As a mother who had to fight to keep her daughter, I learned to shut my mouth and obey the system. I want to use this blog to make it clear that I need help with the necessary daily tasks.  I forget to ea