Sitting in my Chair

I got up this morning and made my way to the bathroom.  I was moving slow and trying not to fall.  My knee still hurts pretty bad.  Then I started reading Facebook, and all of a sudden, I began to cry.  Right there on Facebook was the news that my great uncle Whaler Stevens passed away yesterday.  I felt sad but knew if I stayed in bed, that depression would set in, so I made my way to the couch.   I told David and Alexandria about my uncle and then texted my mom.  She had also seen the news on Facebook. I felt so nauseous, and then David handed me a plate of eggs, toast, sausage, and tomato.  It was a beautiful plate of food, but it had a big mushroom on top, and I swear I almost vomited.  I felt awful.  He had tried to do something nice, and for some reason, I felt sick.  I barely got down a piece of toast. I decided to go outside for some fresh air.  After some ice water and sunshine, my whole day turned around.  We...

I had a telephone appointment with my doctor earlier, and I have hurt my knee.  I don’t know how I injured it, but now I have to go for an MRI of my knee.  Dr. Elizondo has retired, so I will have to see a different orthopedic doctor.  I also had a fainting spell, and barely made it to my bed this morning.  Then my arms started shaking and I cried.  It is a horrible feeling to lose your abilities.  It happened right after I got the PAE in my email this morning.  I signed them, and sent them back to Amerigroup.  I believe stress can kill a person, so if you can avoid it I suggest you do if your already living with disabilities.  This whole COVID-19 and quarantine has been stressful enough for those of us with compromised immune systems. On the sunny side of the street my beautiful daughter is due with Jeremiah on June 7th but the doctors don’t think she will last another week.  She is doing some major nesting cleaning every square inc...

Good Morning Readers! I didn’t sleep good last night.  I tossed and turned with body pain but I am going to get up and try again today.  Yesterday stressed me out so my body is like a limp noodle today.  I have needed more physical help this morning than usual just to go from my bed to the restroom.  I wish this disease on no one but I wish for one day the folks who stress me out could experience what’s it’s like to live in my body. I hope you have a good day. Much Love Tina

This morning my support coordinator Stacy Stephens from TennCare, called to interview me and my sister Janna for the new PAE.  See, they score your needs on a chart in the PAE.  I read that if you don't get enough points, then you don't qualify for services, and if you score too many, they will require you to go to a nursing home. I didn’t take my morning medication or shots so I could be vigilant during this interview. I feel that Stacy continues to expect my ex-husband and daughter to provide care for me because I live in my daughter's home.  She doesn't seem to want to accept that David is disabled with Lyme Disease, and Alexandria is a pregnant single mother of a 3-year-old.  During the interview, she asked me questions about what I do when Janna is not here.  I answered honestly, but I do not see those questions on the copy of my previous PAE.  She asked me if I thought I was financially exploited and if she should call adult services.  That b...

Don’t let someone’s ugliness become your new outfit - Tina Milligan 05/13/2020 I wrote the above quote after some deep soul searching this evening. Over the years, I have allowed other people's behavior to influence my reaction.  I knew the minute the hair stood up on the back of my neck that Tina Louise had left the building.  I was very passionate in my youth and going through surgical menopause, so I didn't put up with much insanity.  I went into defense mode, and all gloves were off, especially if I was protecting my children. However, after the dust settled, I was left feeling bad about myself.  Friends would tell me that I had a right to stand up for myself, and I know they are right, but I never want to let someone else control the delivery of my response.  I am naturally a peaceful person.  I am happiest when I am in the forest, listening to the water.  Other people’s transgressions will not penetrate my actions anymore!  I owned my ...

TennCare called today and requested a new PAE, and it got me to thinking about my daily needs. On social media, I tend to be very positive and encouraging or funny because I know how depressing being disabled can be, especially during the quarantine. I wonder if people see my social media and get the wrong impression of my reality?  Do they know that I published my autobiography and assume that I make money from book sales?  Do they see the videos I post, and assume that I don’t need help with everyday life? The cold hard truth is I need help every day with everything I do! I have grown used to people assuming things because I am capable of putting on a smile at a moment's notice.  As a trauma survivor, the ability to put on a fake smile becomes apart of your personality.  As a mother who had to fight to keep her daughter, I learned to shut my mouth and obey the system. I want to use this blog to make it clear that I need help with the necessary daily tasks. ...

So. I’m not crazy!  I never really thought I was, but today I went and had it confirmed.  The doctor said I am doing quiet well considering everything that I survived.  My medical provider didn’t change my medication and told me to continue counseling to work out my depression from the current events of the last year.  I was fortunate that the doctor is also an ex Jehovah's Witness, so she understands the shunning practices because I choose not to practice the cult religion. I have to take a nap during the day, but as long as I don’t overdo it and avoid toxic situations, I think I am going to continue to have positive growth in my life.  My home life is stable, my doctors are stable, and my medications are stable.  Other than the relationship issues between Ashley and me, I have a positive support system and healthy relationships within my circle of trust.  My sister is still going to visit me and take small road trips, even of Tenncare cuts my benef...

Good afternoon!  I pray you had a wonderful day with your mom.  I know the COVID-19 has made it hard for many to visit their moms this year.  I don't know the whole truth behind the entire virus situation, but I know it has to be horrible not getting to see your mom. My heart goes out to you if you're in this situation.  My Facebook timeline was full of many people sending ”I love you” to their moms in heaven, which made me thankful to have my mom, but it also made me think about my age and know that one day I will possibly be sharing in those same posts. My Mother’s Day week has some beautiful and sad moments.  On Wednesday, my mom came up for the day.  She was having a private family crisis, so she had stayed the night with my sister.  Everything is back to normal now, but I did enjoy visiting with mom. I waxed her eyebrows and did her hair.  On Thursday, I rested after I took my first two injections of Cosentyx.  Friday, I crashed pretty...

For years I made excuses for those I loved.  In the end, I was the only one hurt and forever scared by their decisions.  I mourn the loss of relationships due to differences of opinion over religion.  However, tonight after listening to a fellow warrior, I decided to view things differently.  Instead of grieving the loss and blaming myself, I now see that I escaped a horrible situation.  I am now free of brainwashing and indoctrination! Shunning me because I don’t fit into your spiritual ideology doesn't make you a better person than me.  We are still family, and I still love you no matter how much you treat me like a stranger.  I will still treat you the same way I always have with love and respect. I love my life now, and despite years of emotional, physical, and sexual abuse, I survived, and I have a beautiful family.  Life will never be perfect, but it is a life free of shame, guilt, and abuse.  I can breathe again, and I feel God's lov...

Over the past few months, I have been watching creditable news reports and documentaries on child sex abuse inside religions.  I want to help stop human trafficking and sex abuse.  I have seen many court documents that brought me to tears.  In particular, the hundreds of stories relating to the Jehovah’s Witnesses have made me so angry! I left all religions when I released my autobiography, but never did I realize how bad it truly was inside the Watchtower organization.  If you are a victim, please go to the police and seek counseling as soon as humanly possible.  My heart is breaking tonight for all the victims.  I want to shoutout a huge THANK YOU to Romy Martin and Barbara Anderson for the outreach you continue to do for survivors.  Mrs. Anderson was on the ground floor of the JW Headquarters for many years, so her insight was mind-blowing. She seen the crimes swept under the rug by the governing body.  Not all people who practice JW are bad,...

I got a letter in the mail, and in a nutshell, I will no longer have a caregiver.  I feel serious depression coming on with fear and anxiety.  Hopefully, I get to talk to my counselor tomorrow because I fear I will lose any independence I have once she stops coming every day.  Losing my vehicle then giving up my apartment to live with my daughter took 99% of my independence.   Now I will be trapped unable to go anywhere unless David or Alexandria takes me.  I do not live close to any friends, so my sister was the only way I had to get out away from the house.  I happen to think if you're with people 24/7 that you occasionally need a break.  Even in the house, I find it hard to get a minute of alone time.  Sometimes it feels like this is going to turn into residential confinement.  I love being a grandma, and I love my grandchildren, but I yearn for my freedom.  I already have a difficult time going anywhere due to my disabilities, but wi...

David has wanted to go fishing for a while now, so today I tagged along with Alexandria and my grandson and even did some fishing myself.  We went to the Cumberland Mountain State Park, and the fish were not biting.  Then we went up Renegade Mountain, and there was actual bass in the pond.  The bass is rather small right now, but by fall they will be fat. I love the outdoors, but the heat had me asking to come home after a few hours.  The legs still hurt from the other day, so I was a hot mess by 2 pm.  Now I am back home with pillows all around me and between my legs and arms.  That is when thinking can be hazardous for my mental health because I get to thinking way too much about my disabilities, and then I feel like a useless lump on a log.  I have to fight the urge to cry and redirect my thoughts. Do you ever get down on yourself?  It is a nasty place to live, so try to snap out of it as soon as possible. Love your faces Tina ...

Today my autobiography copies arrived from Amazon!  I love the new look, and the grammar edits polished up my life story.  They are now available online with most major retailers!  Thank you for your words of encouragement during my journey, and book 2 in this series is coming soon! Health Update:  after Yesterday's walk, I am back in bed. My knees, hips, back, and feet are very sore. I keep trying to navigate an equilibrium within my limitations, but I continue to fail miserably.  I have learned to live with the bad days or weeks following my good days.  I refuse to give up!  I am a fighter, and my body best never mistake my kindness for weakness!  #warrior Love~Laughter~Truth Much Love Tina

As I am writing this, I am still distraught.  People assume that because I am single that it means I want to be in a relationship!  It also doesn’t mean I want genitalia photos sent to me! It all started when a friend asked me to join a family on TikTok.  I felt honored, and they added me to the “family chat” on Instagram.  Everything had been going great until yesterday.  I opened my group message to see several pictures of men’s genitalia.  I was shocked and immediately left the group chat and removed the hashtag from my bio! I am on social media to have friends, raise awareness, and to be a listening ear to people struggling.  I spend my time tending to my daily needs, helping with my grandchildren, and being a friend to those who need me.  I have no time for drama, and I damn sure don’t want anything to do with pornography!  I am completely against that, and after last year I don’t think it is wise to even send personal photos to your...

This week the pain has been horrible.  I have hurt 24/7.  I don’t know if it is the lack of exercise, rain, or depression, but I haven’t left the bed much since Sunday morning until today.  It has mainly been my hips and feet cramping, and it brings me to tears. Update on Choices.  The judge denied my appeal, so I had to type another appeal.  By the time I finished, I couldn’t remember names and I was so foggy.  I have found that when I am already in pain, doing anything that takes intense mental concentration puts me into massive brain fog.  It is a typical crash landing without an airbag!  I can only assume that the people at Tenncare have no sympathy for my disability because this has been going on for months!  Truthfully it isn't as bad as the disability packet that I have to fill out randomly because they need proof I still have Multiple Sclerosis.  LMAO, do they think one day I will magically wake up and be healed?  It would...

It has been a relaxing Sunday at home with David, Alexandria, and Jackson.  The rain and quarantine have kept us from venturing outside.  I hope tomorrow is a beautiful day so Jackson can play with his tractor. My Facebook hit 100 friends today.  I still don’t understand how big creators keep up with millions of fans.  I have 1120 friends on TikTok, and it has taken months to get to know them.  I sometimes visit Facebook lives, or YouTube lives of creators with only 100,000 subscribers, and the comments go so fast you can barely read them.  I want my book to reach all over the world, but I do not want to lose touch with my friends and supporters who have been with me since it all started.  I think that is why I don’t push my content as much as others do because I am scared of going viral.  Plus, I do not have the money or a big publisher behind me to promote my book.  I have watched other creators crash and burn from stress, so I appreciate...

This morning I awoke to a fellow survivor telling her story of child sex abuse on Facebook.  It was right then that I knew it is so crucial for us to speak our truth and tell our story.  I wanted to cry because it is sad to hear that another girl was hurt in my home town, but I wanted to rejoice at her bravery!  She is finally free and no longer trapped by the fear left by the abuse! It is not an easy story to tell as you risk your privacy, but for all the generations to come, I pray our stories give others the tools to survive.  So many young men and women look to suicide to ease the pain left by child abuse. If you are a victim of abuse or rape, please seek help immediately.  What happened to you is not your fault, and your life is precious!  There is light at the end of the darkness.

Last night I was going to go to sleep, but I had a few people I needed to talk to first. Over the last year, I have made several social media platforms for my book (Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, TikTok, Email, Blogger, YouTube, Tumblr, Pinterest, and Podcast).  Recently I took back control of the accounts, removing trolls, bots, and haters.  That, in turn, had me looking at my friends and followers.  I deleted many fake accounts and changed how I communicate with my fans, verses my family, and close friends.  So last night I realized that two people had deleted me as a friend and I wanted to know why.  After I sent the messages, I found myself staying up a few hours because one of my friends brought up the topic I like to avoid (religion)!   I love these people dearly, but for my mental health, I think it is a good thing that we are not connected online.  I do not need the stress of continually explaining my personal and private decisions.  My ...

Today was an awesome day in my self-care experience as I got my nose ring, and tonight David bought some Latte nail polish and painted my toes, and Alexandria did my nails in the dip powder nails.  I feel like myself again!  Friday, I will be getting my tattoos!  I am so excited!  A dragonfly on my hand and the snowflake on my heart!  I think my MS relapse is on its way out, so that I will have a few good days ahead of me! We had doctor visits today via Facebook Messenger, and I no longer have to take the Ambien since it did not work.  I am sleeping better now that life is less crazy.  I keep telling myself that life is going to keep looking up as long as I keep looking up to God and trusting his word! This is going to be a short blog as I am naturally sleepy! Oh, and Diesel loves his new home, and Hannah isn’t so lonely.  Ever since Rascal passed away, she has been rather sad. Love your Faces Tina

Yesterday I had a telephone conference with a Judge over my Choice program.  I qualify for Medicaid and Choices group 3, but a rule to Group 3 is that you must be receiving SSI.  I appealed the decision a few months ago, and the judge will give his decision on May 6, 2020.  Now that I am divorced, and David is disabled, they do not count him as a caregiver.  Alexandria is fixing to have a baby, and she already has a three-year-old toddler, so she will be back to work six weeks after she has Jeremiah.  I stopped receiving the food boxes from mom's meals because the rice had plastic in it, so if the judge doesn’t approve my choices caregiver, then I will be in a predicament. Yesterday the doctor ordered a CT of David’s brain because it is looking more and more like he has Neuroborreliosis from Lyme Disease.  Diabetes and Lyme Disease were terrible enough, but now Dr. Gaw is talking about Lumbar Puncture.  Dr. Todd took out his PICC line and said this w...

It has been a long week!  A dear friend lost their 21-year-old son in a terrible car accident.  They continue to be in my thoughts & Prayers.  #tobysarmy #joesphsarmy The IRS based our stimulus payment on our 2018 tax returns and sent it to our closed joint checking account.  Surprisingly the bank printed a cashiers check, and we went through the drive-thru in Sparta to pick it up.  Janna drove us in her new van, and it was a very comfortable ride!  I love spending time with my sister on my good days.  They are rare, and I cherish every moment.  We got a few tacos and coffee while in Sparta, then we came home very thankful that everything worked out.  For the first time in two years, no one needed my help, and I didn’t spend a dime of it on anyone else!  I took back my life at that moment, and to my surprise, I had zero desire to see Scott while in town.  I finally felt free of a bad situation!  It was like the chains of ...