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How did I do that?

I had a telephone appointment with my doctor earlier, and I have hurt my knee.  I don’t know how I injured it, but now I have to go for an MRI of my knee.  Dr. Elizondo has retired, so I will have to see a different orthopedic doctor.  I also had a fainting spell, and barely made it to my bed this morning.  Then my arms started shaking and I cried.  It is a horrible feeling to lose your abilities.  It happened right after I got the PAE in my email this morning.  I signed them, and sent them back to Amerigroup.  I believe stress can kill a person, so if you can avoid it I suggest you do if your already living with disabilities.  This whole COVID-19 and quarantine has been stressful enough for those of us with compromised immune systems.

On the sunny side of the street my beautiful daughter is due with Jeremiah on June 7th but the doctors don’t think she will last another week.  She is doing some major nesting cleaning every square inch of her house.  David hung a new flag on the house this morning and Jackson took a good nap today.  He looked up at the sky and said big cloud nanny.  I love seeing the world through his eyes.  It is a much nicer place filled with excitement and wonder.  Austin’s music store is looking great and Kai is growing like a weed.  Everyone is busy and I just try to stay out of their way and watch.  

I feel like such a burden because I can’t jump up and keep the way I could 12 years ago when we loaded metal on the back of the truck to sell in Morristown.  Those days seem so long ago.  I try to keep my mind on today and forget the past but everyday the memories good and bad creep in when I least expect it.  

I don’t know why you read my blog or follow my story, but I want you to know I appreciate it, and I pray something I have done or said can help you on your journey. 

Much Love 

Tina 

Hannah enjoyed the sun today :)



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We have to stop meeting like this....

Tonight I talked to myself.  I said,” self, why do you feel the way you do?”  Then I said,” self, we have to stop meeting like this because it's one o'clock in the morning”!  I laughed because regardless of the predicament I find myself in, sometimes I don't understand why I do the things I do. Have you ever had a random thought and wondered, “why did I think about that?.  I try to ignore my random thoughts and feelings, but sometimes they just come out when I least expect it. Example 1 ~ When I forget to take my medication, I feel everything.  The depression, sadness, and pain flood in, and all I can do is cry myself to sleep. Example 2 ~ I was watching season three of Anne with an E tonight, and it hit me.  I was crying and feeling very sad.  I should be happy because it was a beautiful ending. However, my mind was thinking about how they loved each other in their youth and found each other again. Right now, in my life, love songs and anything sappy makes me cry.

Beauty in the chaos

Early voting started Friday, so I went to town and voted in the States Primary.  It was a peaceful drive, and then Friday night, we watched the movie 2012. There are so many theories and conspiracies floating around online that the movie made me think about all of them. My thoughts quickly turn to religion and how none of us know when our lives will end. Humanity has gotten it wrong, so many times, and religious leaders continue to attempt to guess, but even the Bible says no one knows. One thing that I know for sure is the earth is a breathtaking place, and I continue to find small glimpses of its beauty amidst the chaos.  Just yesterday, we went to Fall Creek Falls State Park, and I took a dip in the cold water. Families and children were everywhere, laughing and playing.  You would never think that the USA is in an uproar. I saw no signs of social distancing or a pandemic.  I didn't see any mask.  Men were walking their dogs, and the beautiful smells of wood burning flo

My Reality

TennCare called today and requested a new PAE, and it got me to thinking about my daily needs. On social media, I tend to be very positive and encouraging or funny because I know how depressing being disabled can be, especially during the quarantine. I wonder if people see my social media and get the wrong impression of my reality?  Do they know that I published my autobiography and assume that I make money from book sales?  Do they see the videos I post, and assume that I don’t need help with everyday life? The cold hard truth is I need help every day with everything I do! I have grown used to people assuming things because I am capable of putting on a smile at a moment's notice.  As a trauma survivor, the ability to put on a fake smile becomes apart of your personality.  As a mother who had to fight to keep her daughter, I learned to shut my mouth and obey the system. I want to use this blog to make it clear that I need help with the necessary daily tasks.  I forget to ea