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Dark Days

I got a letter in the mail, and in a nutshell, I will no longer have a caregiver.  I feel serious depression coming on with fear and anxiety.  Hopefully, I get to talk to my counselor tomorrow because I fear I will lose any independence I have once she stops coming every day.  Losing my vehicle then giving up my apartment to live with my daughter took 99% of my independence.   Now I will be trapped unable to go anywhere unless David or Alexandria takes me.  I do not live close to any friends, so my sister was the only way I had to get out away from the house.  I happen to think if you're with people 24/7 that you occasionally need a break.  Even in the house, I find it hard to get a minute of alone time.  Sometimes it feels like this is going to turn into residential confinement.  I love being a grandma, and I love my grandchildren, but I yearn for my freedom.  I already have a difficult time going anywhere due to my disabilities, but with summer coming, the only fun I have is swimming.  I guess I won't be doing that this year either.  I am sorry that this blog is dreary, but I am having a dark day.

Much Love



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We have to stop meeting like this....

Tonight I talked to myself.  I said,” self, why do you feel the way you do?”  Then I said,” self, we have to stop meeting like this because it's one o'clock in the morning”!  I laughed because regardless of the predicament I find myself in, sometimes I don't understand why I do the things I do. Have you ever had a random thought and wondered, “why did I think about that?.  I try to ignore my random thoughts and feelings, but sometimes they just come out when I least expect it. Example 1 ~ When I forget to take my medication, I feel everything.  The depression, sadness, and pain flood in, and all I can do is cry myself to sleep. Example 2 ~ I was watching season three of Anne with an E tonight, and it hit me.  I was crying and feeling very sad.  I should be happy because it was a beautiful ending. However, my mind was thinking about how they loved each other in their youth and found each other again. Right now, in my life, love songs and anything sappy makes me cry.

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Beauty in the chaos

Early voting started Friday, so I went to town and voted in the States Primary.  It was a peaceful drive, and then Friday night, we watched the movie 2012. There are so many theories and conspiracies floating around online that the movie made me think about all of them. My thoughts quickly turn to religion and how none of us know when our lives will end. Humanity has gotten it wrong, so many times, and religious leaders continue to attempt to guess, but even the Bible says no one knows. One thing that I know for sure is the earth is a breathtaking place, and I continue to find small glimpses of its beauty amidst the chaos.  Just yesterday, we went to Fall Creek Falls State Park, and I took a dip in the cold water. Families and children were everywhere, laughing and playing.  You would never think that the USA is in an uproar. I saw no signs of social distancing or a pandemic.  I didn't see any mask.  Men were walking their dogs, and the beautiful smells of wood burning flo