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My first love

Janna came up this morning and brought Taco Bell! Then she helped me get ready for the day. I decided to finally turn on my desktop and laptop. It has been months, and I have a book to finish. However, I spent most of the day cleaning up, defragging, virus scanning, and going through files.

I went through a ton of files, which included old email accounts and messages. It made me miss the music industry so much. I do enjoy writing, but music has always been my first love. I gave away my guitar during a store promotion, so I haven't held a guitar in over a year. I miss my suppliers and customers so much. Do you think I should go back?

Right now, life is too complicated, but it was nice hearing from friends in the industry. Just knowing they have thought about me means so much. Maybe in a few years, if my health allows, I will get back into the business.

On a side note, I emailed Scott a question tonight. It was a serious question about the next book, and he had told me I could email him. Well, I quickly realized he had lied to me again. I give up even caring anymore. What's the point? He claims to be honest, Abe, but he is a cold-hearted liar! I hate feeling this way because I am always supportive of those struggling with mental illness. Still, he has taken shunning to a new level. I pray he is never treated this way because it is cruel.

I worked all day on the computer, so I am exhausted. It has been months since I even had the desire, but now I am determined to finish the story and tell the whole truth. I have sugar-coated the cold hard truth long enough. I feel God standing beside me as I cross through to the next chapter of my life.

Much love,



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We have to stop meeting like this....

Tonight I talked to myself.  I said,” self, why do you feel the way you do?”  Then I said,” self, we have to stop meeting like this because it's one o'clock in the morning”!  I laughed because regardless of the predicament I find myself in, sometimes I don't understand why I do the things I do. Have you ever had a random thought and wondered, “why did I think about that?.  I try to ignore my random thoughts and feelings, but sometimes they just come out when I least expect it. Example 1 ~ When I forget to take my medication, I feel everything.  The depression, sadness, and pain flood in, and all I can do is cry myself to sleep. Example 2 ~ I was watching season three of Anne with an E tonight, and it hit me.  I was crying and feeling very sad.  I should be happy because it was a beautiful ending. However, my mind was thinking about how they loved each other in their youth and found each other again. Right now, in my life, love songs and anything sappy makes me cry.

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Beauty in the chaos

Early voting started Friday, so I went to town and voted in the States Primary.  It was a peaceful drive, and then Friday night, we watched the movie 2012. There are so many theories and conspiracies floating around online that the movie made me think about all of them. My thoughts quickly turn to religion and how none of us know when our lives will end. Humanity has gotten it wrong, so many times, and religious leaders continue to attempt to guess, but even the Bible says no one knows. One thing that I know for sure is the earth is a breathtaking place, and I continue to find small glimpses of its beauty amidst the chaos.  Just yesterday, we went to Fall Creek Falls State Park, and I took a dip in the cold water. Families and children were everywhere, laughing and playing.  You would never think that the USA is in an uproar. I saw no signs of social distancing or a pandemic.  I didn't see any mask.  Men were walking their dogs, and the beautiful smells of wood burning flo